Time Of My Life

This year, more than any other year, has taught me more about life and about death, about friends and about enemies, about successes and failures, the strength of family and about becoming my own person than I ever thought there was to know, especially in the course of twelve glorious, yet tumultuous months. Anybody who knows me, really knows me, knows that 2009 has challenged me again and again, it's tested my faith and showed me that I can do whatever I want to and that anybody who doesn't believe doesn't matter.

Death has been a big part of my life this year. Why do I bring it up first? Because it reared it's ugly head almost as soon as we welcomed in 2009 and has chosen not to leave. I guess that's a part of life, whether I want it to be or not. There's something about losing someone you love that forces you to take a step back and slow down. You learn to appreciate the simpler things in life and not worry about tomorrow, except as a wanna-be journalist the latter is in my blood. I'm learning to say what needs to be said because life is to precious to not live like we're dying.

Everybody has something that they've been avoiding saying to another person for whatever reason, but don't hold back anymore. You'll feel better once you take that step and have that conversation. It could—it will—change your life.

I don't say this often enough but I have an amazing family; an amazing family who's had one hell of a year but you know what? We're (most of us) coming out of it better, stronger people. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right? I think that too often in life people (everybody) gets caught up in themselves and what they want. It's human nature. But, I've learned that when times get rough my family knows how to pull together, cross boundaries that shouldn't be there and take care of each other, even if one party fights it tooth and nail. I think it's in the job description. As much as I want to kill a few select members most of the time they're family and family never backs down.

I've had to break out of my shell a lot this year; more than I thought I would. There's been days where I would rather take some Benadryl and curl up and bed to sleep this life away than face whatever demon needed to be faced but overall moving to Moscow has been good for me. I've had to meet new people and learn new things whether I wanted to or not.

And I've met and reconnected with some crazy brilliant people who've changed my life in ways that I didn't think possible. They've taught me that a bad day isn't the end of the world. Others have taught me that change isn't easy, it's not supposed to be but that next semester will be better in every way. And still others remind me that I can't do everything but that I can do some things great and to never give up. Finally, one person especially has reminded me that relationships change over time and that even when hurts sometimes but that true friends never leave.

2009 has been one hell of a year, with plenty of challenges and more recently plenty of laughter. I don't know what 2010 has in store for myself or anybody else but I do know this: I plan on having the time of my life.

And no, I didn't make any resolutions because I don't set myself up for failure.

For The Most Part

Christmas is done for the year and it was a pleasure, for the most part. We'll get to the most part soon enough but first I'm reminded of just how lucky (and spoiled) I really am. Yesterday was spent with just my parents and brother and one of my uncles, but it';s nice that way. There's no pressure and no drama, for the most part.

The four of us got up early and opened presents (did I mention that I'm spoiled?) and then had eggs and toast which is more than any of us except maybe my brother eat for breakfast on any given morning. My brother; he has a bottomless pit for a stomach but you wouldn't know it by looking at the kid. Here's my amazing list of gifts because it would be a shame not to share how awesome they are:

—a new stereo system which includes an Ipod dock except I don't have an Ipod. It's very pretty nonetheless and has amazing sound compared to the ghetto one I have now.
—a new zebra striped purse which is again very pretty. Anyone who has seen my ld purse can testify to how badly I needed a new one. Holes make things fall out and get lost.
—Sims 3 World Adventures; okay, the geek is coming out in me now. This game is awesome but I might not be one to talk because the Sims games are the only games I play. Except Wii Bowling. I kick ass at Wii Bowling.
—Plenty and plenty of new clothes but what girl doesn't love new clothes?
—A beautiful new scarf to add to my (small) collection. They've become my new obsession.
—A bath set which smells delicious. Hot bubble baths are always a good thing.

In other news, only one of my uncle's showed up yesterday because my other one is an idiot and succeeded to put my mom in tears and almost give my aunt a heart attack on Christmas. That story is for another time. We decided not to stress over him anymore for the time being and enjoyed a day of good food and family. It was a beautiful day, for the most part.

School starts back up on the 13th and the first Arg of the semester comes out shortly after. I'm ready to go back to Moscow, for the most part. Sitting home much longer may or may not cause me to kill a person or two. Right now, all is calm because the internet is working and I've still got a couple of good books to keep my attention and occupy my time. Some nights make me wish I could poor someone's beverage o choice down the drain or be anywhere but here.

Somehow, after a horrible semester (most of it was mental) I somehow managed to pass all of my classes with three C's, two B's and one A. Don't ask me how because I don't know.

I'm rambling again. Damn it.

One last thing. I'm updating my Itunes library and need new music. Help me, people!

Cuz' Every Little Thing Is Gonna Be Alright

I've discovered recently that peace of mind is a beautiful, beautiful thing. I've also learned that too much alone time can cause someone to think too much and thinking too much is never a good thing. I think I've had too much alone time.

On the other hand, I went and had dinner and drinks with some of the most amazing people I know on Tuesday night. It was nice to get out of the house and away from the depths of my own thoughts for a while. There's nothing quite like real, deep laughter and a walk in the rain to soothe a soul. Today brought another adventure with another friend. We'll just say this was to celebrate surviving one hell of a semester. Sometimes I wonder.

I've taken all of my finals and written all of the papers that I need to for the semester, but the anxiety and the worry are still with me. I'm just trying to figure out why. I know that I'll be lucky to pass all of my classes this semester and I really don't deserve to. I've been a better student and it's time that I be a better student again.

My glasses are broken. It's the second time this year. I don't like it so much because while my eyes have adjusted my head hurts. And it all happened just in time for finals week too. I'll get new ones when I go home though.

Speaking of home, I'm going home tomorrow for 23 days. I love home, but not that much. I think I'd love it more if I weren't physically stuck in the house for the majority of the time. I'll live and overcome. There's no problem a good book and hot drink won't solve. I still need to pack and clean and do laundry, my god the laundry. I've also got a coffee date and at least one other person that I need a hug from. They really do make everything better.

I've found myself making up excuses to see him lately. I need to stop it because it's not right. I mean, he's a taken man. Forever. I still feel really awkward when I run into them together, but I shouldn't. I get all shy and quiet and flustered. I guess it's because sometimes...wait, never mind. I'll keep that thought to myself because it's going to do nothing but cause trouble anyway

This was the first year that I had my own money to buy Christmas gifts for other people with. It wasn't much and not many people will get gifts because I'm a college student with little money, but I'm still happy that I get to give other people gifts. That's what this is all about anyway, right?

I've decided that every little thing is going to be alright. I'm going to make it that way.

Two Weeks

Two weeks.

Two weeks until I'll be able to sleep a full 8 hours, much less 4, each night without feeling guilty or anxious about getting everything that needs done finished.

Two weeks until I'll be able to sit and finish a good book and warm drink without having to constantly check the time to make sure that I get where I need to be on time.

Two weeks until I have no more deadlines and no more interviews for three whole weeks.

Two more weeks until I no longer have to fight the snow, ice, wind and bitter cold everyday.

Two more weeks until I'm without the two people I trust most in this world for three weeks.

Two more weeks until I realize that while I desperately need a break I'm going to be mighty lonely for the next three weeks without my amazing friends.

What do your next two weeks look like?

Blessed I Be

Thanksgiving was great. It was just my mom and dad, Josh, Paul, Shawn and I so it started out and ended up as a very relaxing day. My mom prepares a feast like nobody else. Nobody could move by the end of the night but we couldn't get enough of the amazing food. The menu this year was pretty much the same as it is every year, but tradition is part of Thanksgiving isn't it? The menu consisted of: turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, fruit salad, green beans, rolls, green and black olives, pickles, pumpkin pie and apple pie. There were also a vegetable tray, cheese and cracker tray, pretzels and chips and dip. It's not as extravagant as some Thanksgiving dinners are but it doesn't need to be.

Thanksgiving isn't all about the feasting, or at least it shouldn't be. I know that I have so much to be thankful for not only on Thanksgiving but on every singe day because I truly am blessed.

Living and going to school away from my family has made me appreciate them so much more. I've always loved them and known how lucky I am to have them but this year has shown me that they can and will be taken away from me when I least expect it and while it's not always fair it's life and since when is life fair? Having this week to visit and be home and take a break to see my family and kittehs has done me so much good.

My friends, my dear friends, I don't know what I would do without you. You never fail to make me laugh until I cry, show me just how good I really do have it and remind me that whatever has me down does not mean that the end of the world is approaching but rather that better days are to come. I'm lucky enough that I get to see a few of you more often than not (Kels especially) and those that I don't I was able to see on Monday. Except for certain people who exceptionally good at hiding (Waltrip, Cole). It's true, you never do forget who your real friends are.

An education is something that so many people go there whole lives without because they can't afford or aren't allowed to go to school. It's not been easy by any means, but I've learned more in and out of the classroom this semester than I think I've ever learned. I've learned from those that I expected to but those that have taught me the most blindsided me. And that, is something to be truly thankful for. Learn something new everyday. Be curious. Ask questions. It can never hurt.

As odd as it may sound, I am grateful for music. It tells a story like I've never been quite able to do. Seriously, take a minute and imagine living life without any music whatsoever. It would be boring and without near as many smiles and laughter. I can't live without music and I hope that nobody else is able to either.

I think that we all take good health for granted until we no longer have it. In March and April of this year I was shown just how quickly good health can be taken away from someone and how not having your health can either take your life away or change it forever. Please, take care of yourself both in the physical and mental respect. I plan to start doing the same and I've found that the best remedies are good doses of sunshine and laughter and those cost absolutely nothing. Drink up.

I could go on and on but instead I'll stop. Just know that you mean the world to me.

Sunday, Sweet Sunday

Sunday's at my parent's house have always been the one day of the week where nobody has any other commitments and we tend to lay around the house in our pajamas all day. My dad will cook a good breakfast and my brother goes to to get the newspaper and takes our drink orders while he's there as well.

Sunday's are definitely my favorite day of the week. Especially, when I don't have a staff meeting for the Arg to attend or homework to worry about, even if it is only because we're on Thanksgiving break.

Now if only I weren't sick and there wasn't snow on the ground. But this, I'll take this.

This next week has lots of exciting things in store as well. As Kelty put it, I've got a lot of hell to raise in two day's time. Hell raising is fun though.

Call Me Irresponsible

I've got so much to tell, but I'm not sure how to organize my thoughts so that anybody else can understand them so I'll go day by day because that will probably be easier to comprehend, maybe. It's been one hell of a week and this week is going to be busy and crazy as well.

Sunday--My mommy came down for a couple of hours and so we hung out here and ordered pasta from Pizza Hut which is quite good, by the way. She tries to come down every couple of weeks and it's nice especially because I refuse to come home until Thanksgiving break starts and then Christmas break. That's a whole other story though. The staff meeting was uneventful. Marcus was back after taking a week to cool off and in an exceptionally good mood. I took two stories and maybe should've only taken one but I'll pull it off. I always do.

Monday--Monday's are always intense because they're so jam-packed. The Red Bull Run was back in full swing seeing a how the topic of conversation quickly came around to sex and nudity. Oops. Geography was boring, but it always is to me. When it came time for English things got interesting. We were all sitting in class waiting for our teacher to arrive and at three minutes after class was supposed to start James checks his email and then bursts out laughing because just then the teacher had sent an email saying that class was cancelled for the day. We laughed it off and moved on. I then went and had coffee with Kelsey before my lab. Micah and Elizabeth eventually showed up before I had to leave. Production was interesting and entertaining as always.

Tuesday--I left the house early because when I grabbed my Mac from Kelsey the night before I forgot to grab the cord and so I needed to get it from her desk. Then I went to class and more class and more class. And then a quick walk back to the SUB with Jake to catch the bus home. There were lots of riders that night so it was fun. Home just meant that I had laundry and homework but home is still good.

Wednesday--I was exhausted for some reason and had tons to do. I missed my geography class because I had an interview for the Veteran's Day story which went very well. I then missed my English class because I needed to cover the actual event but it was okay because I turned my assignment into him early. The Veteran's Day lunch was totally worth missing class for too. Jake got some awesome pictures and both the story and pictures ended up on the front page of the Arg. I then went back to the newsroom to ask Marcus if he would extend my deadline from three to five, and he did. I still hated asking, though. I went home and wrote the story. Just in time too, because then Ian showed up. We'll save that conversation for another day, however. Let's just say that I needed a good, strong drink or some sleep afterward. Neither of which I received.

Thursday--Abu gave us study guides for tests on Tuesday in both of his classes but they're big ones. We met for Dinah's class to discuss where are news stories are and what we'll be doing the rest of the semester. Between Ethics and Dinah's class I went to sign my payroll but could only sign my one for whatever writing I've done because the production ones weren't ready yet and Shawn wasn't in his office. After Dinah's class I went back to the SUB again to sign my production payroll before Global Media. After class Jake walked with me to production which was entertaining as always.

Friday--I had both my Geography and English classes. My English class is definitely getting more entertaining each day. After classes I went and sat at he cafe inside the SUB with a book and a chai. Ryan showed up and we sat their with our coffees and book (me) and computer (him). Ian and Emily came by and that threw me completely off. I came home expecting a night of peace but then Mandi showed up (uggh) and so we hung out.

Today--I slept way longer than I needed to and then went to the KUOI sale, which I was thoroughly unimpressed with. I ran into both Mark and Ryan there. On the way home I stopped and got a chai and now I'm here...procrastinating.

When's Thanksgiving break again?

Under Pressure

I've been busy, really busy which coincidentally leaves little to no time for updating this; as much as I want to. Wednesday's usually my light day each week, but no more.
I've got two classes, an interview (or five), a story to write by the 3 p.m. deadline for an event that isn't happening until noon, laundry, homework and maybe I'll eventually get some sleep in.
I'm so overwhelmed. I hope that I can get my story in by deadline and have it be good. I also need to do some major research for a package of news stories that I'm working on for Dinah's class. Which reminds me that I also need to have a resume and cover letter ready for her tomorrow.
I don't know why I'm writing all of this down because it sure as hell isn't interesting but considering that I can't think straight right now but I will get through today.
Not that the pressure's on or anything.

Any Other Friday

Today I...

--played tour guide to a family while riding a bus on a very hilly campus. It was very impromptu.
--enjoyed a few moments of peace with a good book and a warm chai. The book was "Beloved" by Toni Morrison and the chai was of the vanilla sort.
--saw a friend and his fiance without them seeing me. I then proceeded to play chicken and wheeled in the opposite direction rather quickly. It's not them, it's me.
--met a neighbor while playing the aforementioned role of impromptu tour guide. She's quite nice.
--reconnected with an old classmate. We hadn't seen each other in about 10 years or so. It was fun playing catch up and talking about where we had been, where we are and where we want to go.
--was invited to a pizza party but politely declined.
--embraced the sunshine and the wind both.
--was reminded for the millionth time that I'm gullible and there's a reason I trust the people I do.
--lived through the most boring English class ever. That's a lot coming from me.
--rediscovered Bob Marley.
--need short story ideas.
--am thankful for a peaceful soul. Please don't take that away from me.

A Long December

Why do song lyrics always say it best?

I'm overwhelmed. I have tons to do and neither the desire or energy to do any of it. I miss my friends. I think I'm losing the two people in the world who mean the most to me; the two people who I trust with everything. My skin hurts. I used to have beautiful, soft skin but alas.

Somedays getting out of bed almost isn't worth it. I long for people, but the people here have their own lives, concerns, worries and they should. It's just that...I guess I've been spoiled in the people department until now. I've become somewhat of an introvert and thats just not me. I miss having people around who understood, or tried. Moscow's not all bad, don't get me wrong. If I've learned one thing since I've been here though it's that there's no place like home.

The Argonaut has been one hell of an experience; one that I know will be worth it in the end. You see, I've never been of the competitive type. I've never had to be, until now. It'll be good, though. Toughen me up, right? I've always said that the best thing about journalism is the people, and to this day it's true. But what if they don't think I'm a good enough writer or a stunning page designer? What happens then?

Maybe, I just need sunshine, or a good belly laugh, or a good long hug.

Why does he always come to my mind? Just stop it already, please. He's not making it any easier.

As for me, I think it's time to try and get some sleep because there will always be tomorrow.

So That It No Longer Threatens The Life It Belongs To

After you left, I grieved and I began to move on. I concentrated on school and friends and myself. Sure, you were in the back of my mind somewhere but you'll always be there. It's just the way you and I work. 

I moved and when I was getting ready to move I knew that us being in the same town could be beautiful or it could be painful. It turns out that its been a good mix of both.

We'll run into each other by chance or meet because one of us sends a text to the other saying come see me. And I fall for it every time; except I should know better because it makes it hard.

Seeing you makes it really hard not to miss you. In fact, it makes it damn near impossible not to miss you. And I miss you most not when you haven't been around, but rather after I've spent some time with you because thats when all these memories and all these emotions well up inside of me and refuse to leave without putting up a fight. When you're gone it's easy to move on with life and preoccupy myself with other concerns.

That being said, I'm not sure that I could handle you not being in my life. Because you are one of only two people I trust in this whole wide world.

Its not even that I'm in love with you anymore, its just that I miss being with you. Falling asleep in your arms and knowing that you'd never let anything bad happen. Talking, really talking to you, about everything and about nothing. Having your complete attention and knowing that neither one of us has anywhere or anyone to rush off to. I miss having you care. I miss midnight.

I miss you and I know that I shouldn't.

And now that I've gotten this off of my chest so that it no longer threatens the life it belongs to.

Beautiful

I was on my way inside the Commons on this blustery, windy morning. It had so far been one of those mornings where I was feeling a bit on the shabby side. My goal was to make it through the one class I'd had left and then go home and curl up in bed with a good book. I sure as hell wasn't feeling pretty and being outside, much less in a public place wasn't helping my mood.

I've almost reached the door when without a word and just a smile, a young man comes up to me and puts a card in my hand. I turn it over and it reads

You are beautiful.

Overcome with happiness I look at him as he smiles and nods again and walks away.

Now, I'm sure that I wasn't the only person to get one of these cards today, but it makes today so worth it. And to everybody else, just remember

You are beautiful.

Midnight

“Be awake in an hour”
the butterflies kick up a storm inside
my soul. But I can't help it.
This love is deep
deeper than I could have ever wished.

The clock strikes midnight and
my face is as bright as the moon because
before long you'll be here and
wrapped in your arms I'll feel complete.

The phone rings and your voice instantly grounds me;
making small talk as if that's the way we've always done things.
You talk of how happy you are with her and
how things are falling into place.

Sharing secrets and sweet lullabies;
it's just something that you and I do.

“She's pregnant” your shaky voice says
and through that beautiful smile I see
that you've never been more excited 
or scared. Even the best fall down sometimes.

Out with friends and
Jimmy Buffets Love Child;
laughter is contagious, it's true.
One message darkens my world
“The doctor says it's not true”
so it is that heartbreak and despair
are also contagious. 

Why is it that we're so connected?
They say its not right, but 
sharing secrets and sweet lullabies;
it's just something that you and I do.

Nothing will ever come of you and I again; this I know
but we still have midnight.

Nothing will ever come of you and I again; this I know
but we still have midnight.