Her tiny fingers wrapped in his big, dark palm
The beginnings of dark curls and jade green eyes
Peaceful. Content.
Just like him.
47 minutes, 6 seconds,
And she was already
Daddy's Little Girl.
Sandcastles and snowcones
Olive skin and long legs
Belly laughs and funny faces
It was summertime on the ocean
One they'd never forget.
Sixteen years old and a rebel
Blue raspberry hair and tattoos
Her first boyfriend and her first car
Neither would last
She was independent and stubborn
Just like him.
Red roses and a white dress
The beach at sunset
Family and close friends
A wedding, and a dance
They both knew she would always be
Daddy's Little Girl.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Unpretty
The pretty girls
With their thick, perfect hair
And closets full of clothes
Armani and Prada
Are the only things that touch their skin.
They point and laugh
On the way to their BMW's,
In designer outfits
That their rich daddies bought them
Just because.
I sit here, alone.
My greasy, frizzy hair hangs knotted down my back
An outfit that was popular twenty years ago
Hand me downs and thrift store finds
Are the only things we can afford.
I stare into their faces, coated with too much makeup
As the dirty van, clunky and broken, pulls into the parking lot.
We'll be lucky if we make it wherever it is that we're going.
My mother, brothers and sisters sit waiting
To go dumpster diving for unknown treasures.
What I would give to be beautiful, like them.
But the dirty clothes and the broken van
The hard life, it's made me what I am.
What I'll always be
Unpretty.
With their thick, perfect hair
And closets full of clothes
Armani and Prada
Are the only things that touch their skin.
They point and laugh
On the way to their BMW's,
In designer outfits
That their rich daddies bought them
Just because.
I sit here, alone.
My greasy, frizzy hair hangs knotted down my back
An outfit that was popular twenty years ago
Hand me downs and thrift store finds
Are the only things we can afford.
I stare into their faces, coated with too much makeup
As the dirty van, clunky and broken, pulls into the parking lot.
We'll be lucky if we make it wherever it is that we're going.
My mother, brothers and sisters sit waiting
To go dumpster diving for unknown treasures.
What I would give to be beautiful, like them.
But the dirty clothes and the broken van
The hard life, it's made me what I am.
What I'll always be
Unpretty.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Rise Above This
A lot has happened lately. So much so that sometimes it's really hard for me to stay calm, collected and cool. In fact, I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I miss it, but I'm not sure how to fix everything anymore. A very dear friend recently said "You've got a million thoughts and emotions running through your head right now. So let them out." And I've finally admitted that this is what's got to happen. Except for this time I'm going to write, because it doesn't come out so good as speech.
--I hate bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. It's not fair and I don't like it anymore, but I don't know how to fix it either.
--I have the most amazing friends ever. They know that someting is wrong just by looking at me most of the time. They've played therapist wayyy more than they should have to lately and I feel really bad about that. I don't want to burden them with my craziness because I know that some people have it way worse than I do and it's not fair to them when my problems start taking a toll on them. I should be more grateful, and deep down I am.
--I miss my best friends. I didn't realize how lucky I was until they moved away (Kels, Jess, Kat, Shelly) and reality started to sink in. Sometimes I feel a bit left behind because normal people know how to move on with their lives (literally and figuratively) and be happy. And I...I'm still here.
--I wish I didn't become so attached to certain people and things because it's not fair to them and really not healthy.
--I want to be happy again. Really happy.
--School is really kicking my ass this semester. I mean I love learning and I love the social aspect, but sometimes things just get to be too much. I'm there and I think I've probably been there for a while now. Math is just plain difficult for me and I'm afraid that I'll have to drop the class if I didn't do well on this last test. I really don't want to do that. History and Psych are good :) My Environmental Science class is very interesting. The teacher is great and the lab is fun, but very challenging. I'm very thankful for my English class because it lets me be creative in my writing, yet it forces me to write.
--And then there's The Sentinel. First off, let me say that this paper is my daily dose of humor and sarcasm. I don't think I could live without it. I really don't Nils is a crazy old man, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been very blessed to meet some great (egotistical and crazy) people that have changed my life, even when they move far away.
I'm sure there's more, but for now this will have to suffice, because I will rise above this. I will be okay.
If you've made it this far thank you so much! :)
--I hate bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. It's not fair and I don't like it anymore, but I don't know how to fix it either.
--I have the most amazing friends ever. They know that someting is wrong just by looking at me most of the time. They've played therapist wayyy more than they should have to lately and I feel really bad about that. I don't want to burden them with my craziness because I know that some people have it way worse than I do and it's not fair to them when my problems start taking a toll on them. I should be more grateful, and deep down I am.
--I miss my best friends. I didn't realize how lucky I was until they moved away (Kels, Jess, Kat, Shelly) and reality started to sink in. Sometimes I feel a bit left behind because normal people know how to move on with their lives (literally and figuratively) and be happy. And I...I'm still here.
--I wish I didn't become so attached to certain people and things because it's not fair to them and really not healthy.
--I want to be happy again. Really happy.
--School is really kicking my ass this semester. I mean I love learning and I love the social aspect, but sometimes things just get to be too much. I'm there and I think I've probably been there for a while now. Math is just plain difficult for me and I'm afraid that I'll have to drop the class if I didn't do well on this last test. I really don't want to do that. History and Psych are good :) My Environmental Science class is very interesting. The teacher is great and the lab is fun, but very challenging. I'm very thankful for my English class because it lets me be creative in my writing, yet it forces me to write.
--And then there's The Sentinel. First off, let me say that this paper is my daily dose of humor and sarcasm. I don't think I could live without it. I really don't Nils is a crazy old man, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been very blessed to meet some great (egotistical and crazy) people that have changed my life, even when they move far away.
I'm sure there's more, but for now this will have to suffice, because I will rise above this. I will be okay.
If you've made it this far thank you so much! :)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Bubbles
It begins with a meltdown
Talk me down. Let me cry it out.
A kind word. The inquisition.
It ends with bubbles.
Spin me in circles. Make me laugh.
Thank you for caring.
Talk me down. Let me cry it out.
A kind word. The inquisition.
It ends with bubbles.
Spin me in circles. Make me laugh.
Thank you for caring.
One
One summer of passion.
The beach at sunset.
Tequila and ACDC
We were in love.
One crisp autumn afternoon
The falling leaves of the maple
The test was positive
We were scared.
One cold, harsh winter
A blanket of snow covering the past
A rose, and a handwritten note
I was alone.
One fresh spring day
Flowers blooming and bees humming
The pain is getting worse
A fresh face. A blessing.
The beach at sunset.
Tequila and ACDC
We were in love.
One crisp autumn afternoon
The falling leaves of the maple
The test was positive
We were scared.
One cold, harsh winter
A blanket of snow covering the past
A rose, and a handwritten note
I was alone.
One fresh spring day
Flowers blooming and bees humming
The pain is getting worse
A fresh face. A blessing.
Home
The television is on
Football blaring from its speakers
People crowded around
Screaming out plays, and insults
Jumping up and down
The kitchen is a mess
Packed full of chips and dip
Pizza and coke
It’s become a free-for-all
An all-you-can eat buffet.
Candles scent the air.
Lamps light the way
When you come, you won’t want to leave
Because it feels right.
Because it fits.
Home.
Football blaring from its speakers
People crowded around
Screaming out plays, and insults
Jumping up and down
The kitchen is a mess
Packed full of chips and dip
Pizza and coke
It’s become a free-for-all
An all-you-can eat buffet.
Candles scent the air.
Lamps light the way
When you come, you won’t want to leave
Because it feels right.
Because it fits.
Home.
Tick Tock
Tick Tock. Tick Tock.
Time’s running out.
You’re running away
You’ll be running forever.
The rage
It consumes you
Hardens your soul
Breaks my heart
The twinkle in your eyes
It's gone, faster then it was ever there.
The warmth within, no more
Ice, breaking. Just like you.
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Times running out
You’re running away
You'll be running forever.
Time’s running out.
You’re running away
You’ll be running forever.
The rage
It consumes you
Hardens your soul
Breaks my heart
The twinkle in your eyes
It's gone, faster then it was ever there.
The warmth within, no more
Ice, breaking. Just like you.
Tick Tock, Tick Tock
Times running out
You’re running away
You'll be running forever.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
When Everything's Made To Be Broken
"When Everything's Made To Be Broken/I Just Want You To Know Who I Am"
How can one phrase hold so much meaning? So much emotion?
He's happy. He wants to marry her and grow old with her. She is all he's ever wanted and his dream has finally come true. He went to see her tonight and I know he had a great time. I just hope she isn't taking him for granted. My Beautiful Boy.
Where does this leave me? Back in the friend stage. He wants to be friends and so do I, but it kills me. I pretend everything is okay, for him. I want him to be happy.
It's just that...I still love him. I know I shouldn't but I do.
He doesn't love me anymore. Why can't I accept this?
So what happens now? What happens when everything's made to be broken?
How can one phrase hold so much meaning? So much emotion?
He's happy. He wants to marry her and grow old with her. She is all he's ever wanted and his dream has finally come true. He went to see her tonight and I know he had a great time. I just hope she isn't taking him for granted. My Beautiful Boy.
Where does this leave me? Back in the friend stage. He wants to be friends and so do I, but it kills me. I pretend everything is okay, for him. I want him to be happy.
It's just that...I still love him. I know I shouldn't but I do.
He doesn't love me anymore. Why can't I accept this?
So what happens now? What happens when everything's made to be broken?
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Goodbye, My Love
The crushing silence of the ocean
The harsh screeches of the gulls
Long beaches stretched wide and open
Shells taken with the heavy pull of each wave.
The morning tide brings new treasures
Empty conk shells abandoned in the sand
A quiet morning stroll yields promise
A new day begun. A new beginning found.
Sunrises bring new songs to the skies
The waves carry with them folk tales from distant shores
New stories to be told.
Old stories to be found.
A message in a bottle
A secret not to a lost love
“To my dearest…” it begins
“Please forgive me…” is how it ends.
The harsh screeches of the gulls
Long beaches stretched wide and open
Shells taken with the heavy pull of each wave.
The morning tide brings new treasures
Empty conk shells abandoned in the sand
A quiet morning stroll yields promise
A new day begun. A new beginning found.
Sunrises bring new songs to the skies
The waves carry with them folk tales from distant shores
New stories to be told.
Old stories to be found.
A message in a bottle
A secret not to a lost love
“To my dearest…” it begins
“Please forgive me…” is how it ends.
Just Another Game Won
The chime of the doorbell rings
The music pumps inside
B.Y.O.B on the minds of the young, not so innocent
Not a sober being in the place.
Slurred shouting in the air
Booming laughter grabs attention
Spilled Budweiser pools
In shag carpet and across acid wash jeans
Burnt popcorn faces rejection.
The outside air smells of drugs
Useless banter and humorless jokes
The smoke from the bonfire and filtered cigarettes
Rises in plumes and hangs in a cloud
Above the drugged out faces
After the Friday night football game.
The music pumps inside
B.Y.O.B on the minds of the young, not so innocent
Not a sober being in the place.
Slurred shouting in the air
Booming laughter grabs attention
Spilled Budweiser pools
In shag carpet and across acid wash jeans
Burnt popcorn faces rejection.
The outside air smells of drugs
Useless banter and humorless jokes
The smoke from the bonfire and filtered cigarettes
Rises in plumes and hangs in a cloud
Above the drugged out faces
After the Friday night football game.
Monday, September 8, 2008
A Sneak Peak: 100% Juice
*The following is my first column as the A&E editor. Let me know what you think, k?*
Music. Theatre. Television and Movies. Games. These are the things that make up American culture. Watching overrated celebrities live their drama-filled lives instead of going out and living our own is the American way. We’re constantly watching and waiting to see what brainless, dim-witted move the trashy Britney Spears, or the even trashier Amy Winehouse makes. We’re fascinated with Hollywood and the stars that call it home. We’ve forever been sucked into the ways of pop culture, and we’re loving every minute of it.
Twenty years ago, everyday people actually led real lives. They went to work and school. Ate dinner as a family and spent time together that wasn’t in front of the TV. Hollywood was just entertainment, the occasional indulgence, if you will. Today, Hollywood is so much more than entertainment. Hollywood is an escape from the pressures of real life. Hollywood is an excuse not to be the best we can. It has ruined the great America that once was. How? Like I said earlier, we spend more time following the lives of our favorite celebrities instead of going out and making a life of our own. Is there something wrong with that picture, or is it just me?
That being said, I’m your new A&E editor and I’m not all cynical and skeptical, because as much as I think that Hollywood is overrated it has irrevocably sucked me into its depths as well. The arts and entertainment industry isn’t all bad either, especially the local scene. To be honest, NIC students are really lucky to live where we do. If you aren’t familiar with the local arts scene it’s about time you wake up and take a good look around because our local fine arts scene is booming with tons of great musicians and artists that hold great shows at really great prices (can we say FREE!) fairly often. There’s rarely a day that goes by where something isn’t happening at NIC that’s entertainment or fine arts related, and it’s encouragement for students to get involved on campus and in the community. It’s proven that when people, especially young people get involved in their community they are more likely to be successful and lead happier, more fulfilled lives. So go out and find a local artist to support!
Seeing as if you’re reading this it’s likely that you’re a student or faculty member at NIC, so I want to know what you want to see in the Arts & Entertainment section of The Sentinel. What will make you read The Sentinel, and perhaps even enjoy it?
Music. Theatre. Television and Movies. Games. These are the things that make up American culture. Watching overrated celebrities live their drama-filled lives instead of going out and living our own is the American way. We’re constantly watching and waiting to see what brainless, dim-witted move the trashy Britney Spears, or the even trashier Amy Winehouse makes. We’re fascinated with Hollywood and the stars that call it home. We’ve forever been sucked into the ways of pop culture, and we’re loving every minute of it.
Twenty years ago, everyday people actually led real lives. They went to work and school. Ate dinner as a family and spent time together that wasn’t in front of the TV. Hollywood was just entertainment, the occasional indulgence, if you will. Today, Hollywood is so much more than entertainment. Hollywood is an escape from the pressures of real life. Hollywood is an excuse not to be the best we can. It has ruined the great America that once was. How? Like I said earlier, we spend more time following the lives of our favorite celebrities instead of going out and making a life of our own. Is there something wrong with that picture, or is it just me?
That being said, I’m your new A&E editor and I’m not all cynical and skeptical, because as much as I think that Hollywood is overrated it has irrevocably sucked me into its depths as well. The arts and entertainment industry isn’t all bad either, especially the local scene. To be honest, NIC students are really lucky to live where we do. If you aren’t familiar with the local arts scene it’s about time you wake up and take a good look around because our local fine arts scene is booming with tons of great musicians and artists that hold great shows at really great prices (can we say FREE!) fairly often. There’s rarely a day that goes by where something isn’t happening at NIC that’s entertainment or fine arts related, and it’s encouragement for students to get involved on campus and in the community. It’s proven that when people, especially young people get involved in their community they are more likely to be successful and lead happier, more fulfilled lives. So go out and find a local artist to support!
Seeing as if you’re reading this it’s likely that you’re a student or faculty member at NIC, so I want to know what you want to see in the Arts & Entertainment section of The Sentinel. What will make you read The Sentinel, and perhaps even enjoy it?
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Bloody Hell
So much has happened this past week that I have to write it down because it's beginning to take its toll on me and on others that it shouldn't be. A fair warning though, this isn't going to be pretty. I have a lot of stress, frustration, and anger that's going to come out. So, if you don't want to hear about it, leave now.
First off, why is it that I become so attached to certain people and certain things? I know that nothing lasts forever, yet I can't seem to stop letting my feelings and those god damned emotions get the best of me. I've known for a while now that it wasn't meant to be, yet I still catch him in my dreams ad in my heart. I say that I'll be happy when and if he is, but damn it, it's just not happening that way. I've got to let go if i'm going to be happy again, but I don't thik i'm ready for that, as crazy as it sounds.
On to other things, I love school and my friends but this week was too much. I spent almost $500 on textbooks and I still don't have one that I need and one that my brother needs. I think its a bit ridiculous, to be honest. Do textbooks really need to cost that much?
I spent all week working Bookswap and while it has its benefits I miss my friends. I miss my crazy, wild friends who let me vent, cry, scream and cry some more in the middle of the night and don't say a word. They just listen. They don't judge. Those who listen. Those who make me laugh when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep for a week. They've helped me through one of the hardest weeks of my life and they know who the are. The rest of you don't need to worry about it.
Basically, I've been a big ball of emotions all week and it really needs to stop. I don't like crying at the drop of a hat anymore. I need to be happy. I want to be happy. What I've said here is just touching the surface. There's a lot going on that goes much deeper, but I just needed to put some of this down in writing because I don't think I can handle holding it much longer.
First off, why is it that I become so attached to certain people and certain things? I know that nothing lasts forever, yet I can't seem to stop letting my feelings and those god damned emotions get the best of me. I've known for a while now that it wasn't meant to be, yet I still catch him in my dreams ad in my heart. I say that I'll be happy when and if he is, but damn it, it's just not happening that way. I've got to let go if i'm going to be happy again, but I don't thik i'm ready for that, as crazy as it sounds.
On to other things, I love school and my friends but this week was too much. I spent almost $500 on textbooks and I still don't have one that I need and one that my brother needs. I think its a bit ridiculous, to be honest. Do textbooks really need to cost that much?
I spent all week working Bookswap and while it has its benefits I miss my friends. I miss my crazy, wild friends who let me vent, cry, scream and cry some more in the middle of the night and don't say a word. They just listen. They don't judge. Those who listen. Those who make me laugh when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep for a week. They've helped me through one of the hardest weeks of my life and they know who the are. The rest of you don't need to worry about it.
Basically, I've been a big ball of emotions all week and it really needs to stop. I don't like crying at the drop of a hat anymore. I need to be happy. I want to be happy. What I've said here is just touching the surface. There's a lot going on that goes much deeper, but I just needed to put some of this down in writing because I don't think I can handle holding it much longer.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Because Sometimes I Have Trouble Remembering...
Life is an opportunity, …. benefit from it.
Life is beauty, …. admire it.
Life is bliss, …. taste it.
Life is a dream, …. realize it.
Life is a challenge, …. meet it.
Life is a duty, …. complete it.
Life is a game, …. play it.
Life is a promise, ….fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, …. overcome it.
Life is a song, …. sing it.
Life is a struggle, …. accept it.
Life is a tragedy…. confront it.
Life is an adventure, …. dare it.
Life is luck, …. make it.
Life is too precious, …. do not destroy it.
Life is life, …. fight for it.
Life is beauty, …. admire it.
Life is bliss, …. taste it.
Life is a dream, …. realize it.
Life is a challenge, …. meet it.
Life is a duty, …. complete it.
Life is a game, …. play it.
Life is a promise, ….fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, …. overcome it.
Life is a song, …. sing it.
Life is a struggle, …. accept it.
Life is a tragedy…. confront it.
Life is an adventure, …. dare it.
Life is luck, …. make it.
Life is too precious, …. do not destroy it.
Life is life, …. fight for it.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Because
Because I have nothing to say but lots of thoughts.
Because I am a veryyy tired girl.
Because I can't decide if I need to laugh or cry.
Because I miss my friends, and the boy.
Because I'm in a funk, a cloud if you will, that I can't seem to break away from.
Because I need to run away for a little while.
Because I know thats not going to happen.
Because I love you.
***I'll be back in a day or two***
Because I am a veryyy tired girl.
Because I can't decide if I need to laugh or cry.
Because I miss my friends, and the boy.
Because I'm in a funk, a cloud if you will, that I can't seem to break away from.
Because I need to run away for a little while.
Because I know thats not going to happen.
Because I love you.
***I'll be back in a day or two***
Friday, July 4, 2008
Thoughts On Independence
Today is the day where we as Americans are supposed to celebrate our hard fought freedom and independence. That's what we do, after all. Fight. That's what we are. A nation of fighters. We don't give up on what we believe is right or what we believe belongs to us. It's always been that way though.
In the very beginning we fought to be independent of Great Britain. To become our own country. Later we fought against the Spanish conquistadors for land that we each claimed as our own. And then there were the World Wars where our safety and our position as a great world power were at stake like never before. Vietnam was the first controversial war that the United States fought in. War was being waged on two different fronts; in the lush green jungles of Cambodia and on the riot filled streets of the places we all call home. That brings us current.
Today we are still fighting. Fighting for what is right. Fighting because that's what we do. Fighting, because it needs to be done.
It seems that many people would rather not fight anymore. They instead bash the Bush and all he's done. If only they knew that Clinton could have had Bin Laden captured but chose not too. If only they cared.
How are we supposed to protect ourselves if we don't fight? We wouldn't be able to, much less know how. The troops, heroes they are, know this and have given up their freedoms so that don't have too. We should thank them, but instead we burn our flag. We should pray for them, but instead we curse them. Thousands of young men and women are still dying today so that we can remain the selfish fools we are.
Sometime today, in between barbeques and fireworks we should all take a moment to reflect on why we're celebrating. Because without those selfless young men and women who gave their lives and still continue to do so, we would have no reason to celebrate.
Happy Independence Day!
In the very beginning we fought to be independent of Great Britain. To become our own country. Later we fought against the Spanish conquistadors for land that we each claimed as our own. And then there were the World Wars where our safety and our position as a great world power were at stake like never before. Vietnam was the first controversial war that the United States fought in. War was being waged on two different fronts; in the lush green jungles of Cambodia and on the riot filled streets of the places we all call home. That brings us current.
Today we are still fighting. Fighting for what is right. Fighting because that's what we do. Fighting, because it needs to be done.
It seems that many people would rather not fight anymore. They instead bash the Bush and all he's done. If only they knew that Clinton could have had Bin Laden captured but chose not too. If only they cared.
How are we supposed to protect ourselves if we don't fight? We wouldn't be able to, much less know how. The troops, heroes they are, know this and have given up their freedoms so that don't have too. We should thank them, but instead we burn our flag. We should pray for them, but instead we curse them. Thousands of young men and women are still dying today so that we can remain the selfish fools we are.
Sometime today, in between barbeques and fireworks we should all take a moment to reflect on why we're celebrating. Because without those selfless young men and women who gave their lives and still continue to do so, we would have no reason to celebrate.
Happy Independence Day!
Friday, June 27, 2008
4 Months Of God's Mercy
It was Sept. 17, 2002, and Beverly Ingersoll, office manager at NIC’s Riverbend Professional Technical Academy, was living her worst nightmare. Her husband and best friend of 35 years, Larry Seaton, had just been diagnosed with lung cancer that had already spread in a dangerous manner to his brain.
Ingersoll said she noticed something wasn’t right months earlier in June of 2002 when Larry started forgetting things, such as driving directions and where he would put stuff.
“Never in my wildest dreams was I prepared for how horribly things were about to change in my life,” Beverly Ingersoll wrote in her book “4 Months Of God’s Mercy,” which detailed her and Larry’s last four months together.
Ingersoll became increasingly worried about her husband’s health in Sept. 2002 when his memory loss became so great that he could not remember the address of the company he was supposed to be delivering to for his company. According to Ingersoll, this was a major red flag because her husband was an expert at reading maps and finding addresses. She finally convinced him to see their doctor.
“I never told Larry what to do or demanded things from him, but I felt he desperately needed to see our doctor,” Ingersoll wrote. When he again refused, I was near tears and said that I was extremely concerned and needed him to see the doctor for my own peace of mind.”
She said Larry didn’t react much when doctors told him he had three brain tumors as well as tumors in his lungs. His brain was so swollen that doctors told him if they didn’t get the swelling down right away that he would die in the next 24 hours.
Ingersoll said she rushed Larry to the hospital where their children and families met them. Larry was admitted and started on medicine to reduce the swelling in his brain. While he was resting, Ingersoll had finally received a chance to comprehend how quickly her life had changed now that her husband was fighting for his life.
“My initial reaction, of course, was shock at the news as I knew something was wrong. I just didn't have any idea it would be cancer since he was not in any pain and didn't act like he was sick,” Ingersoll said. “After that had time to sink in, I totally relied on the Lord, since this was too big for me to handle or even comprehend the entire scope of what was happening.”
Two days later, Sept. 19, 2002, Larry was scheduled for brain surgery to remove as much of the tumors as possible. Ingersoll remembers the night before his brain surgery as a particularly miraculous one. She laid there holding Larry as he drifted off to sleep. She said she prayed to God to be merciful and that her husband wouldn’t suffer.
Before long angels were circling the room, at first just a few but then the room filled with them and a sense of peace and weightlessness. Ingersoll said it was at that moment that she knew both Larry and she would be all right.
She said they spent the next four months cherishing every minute they had together. Larry refused further treatment and took everything in good humor.
“Larry and I were able to find peace with his death. We were able to spend the last four months of his life feeling good about our lives, our love, our family and all the blessings we had over the many years together,” Ingersoll said. “We didn't get angry or frustrated or spend time dwelling on the whys and what-ifs. It was a time for us to say our goodbyes and for him to get things finalized so he could go without any unfinished business.”
Ingersoll said those last four months were filled with beauty, love and thanksgiving. Both she and her husband were able to enjoy one another because “The Lord gave them peace of mind.”
But nothing comes without sacrifice.
Ingersoll said there were many nights where she would cry herself to sleep, but she knew God would give her the strength she needed. And he did just that.
“The hardest part of watching my husband and my best friend of 35 years die is that I couldn't do anything to change it. I couldn't stop what's happening to them or to my whole family,” Ingersoll said. “It's an extremely helpless feeling, but at the same time when you allow God to be in control, you know that His will, will be done and that is always better than anything you can do. I knew that Larry was going to heaven. What better than that can ever happen to a person?”
Ingersoll, her children, their spouses and even neighbors helped make Larry as comfortable and happy as they could for as long as possible. Everyone enjoyed spending time with him and made sure he enjoyed every last minute and he did, according to Ingersoll, except for a horrible airport situation in Las Vegas during a trip in October.
When Ingersoll, Larry and their children were leaving Las Vegas, an airport security guard didn’t believe that Larry had a steel plate in his head even with a letter from his doctor explaining so. After relentless persistence on the part of Beverly and the rest of the family, an exhausted Larry was finally allowed through security.
“Here was a wannabe cop harassing a true soldier and a hero, and we could do nothing about it. Only when Larry was nearly passing out did the security guard finally allow him to pass through,” Ingersoll wrote. “He never did read the letter; he just handed it back to Larry. We were all in tears by the time Larry was allowed to leave the area.”
According to Ingersoll, as Larry’s cancer progressed he made sure to spend as much time with his grandchildren as possible. He would go to their birthday parties and school activities. One last trip to the pumpkin patch was also in order. He would get tired, but it was a good tired, Ingersoll said.
The doctors would soon take Larry’s driver’s license away from him as a safety precaution. This, said Ingersoll, next to losing his hair, may have been one of the hardest parts for Larry. He had purchased a brand new truck four months before his license was taken away and would never be able to drive again, said Ingersoll. However, Larry did drive to his favorite mocha stand while Beverly was at work. Luckily, a neighbor would jump in the truck with him so nothing dangerous could happen.
“I took the keys off the hook and put them away, which made me feel like some kind of monster. Larry pleaded with me; he begged and wept for the longest time,” Ingersoll said. “Taking away a small piece of his manhood nearly destroyed him and almost broke my heart to see him like that.”
Shortly after, Ingersoll took a family medical leave work to spend the rest of Larry’s days beside him. It was the week of Thanksgiving 2002. According to Ingersoll, the next nine weeks were filled with both joyous and not-so-joyous occasions. However, Larry left the world full of peace and love, said Ingersoll. Larry died the morning of Jan. 25, 2003, the day after their 35th wedding anniversary.
“What I miss most about Larry was the way he told me how much he loved me each and every day for 35 years,” Ingersoll said. “There was never any doubt about his love for me and his family.”
“4 Months Of Gods Mercy” was released on Feb 12 at more than 25,000 locations. It is also available online at www.tatepublishing.com.
Ingersoll said she noticed something wasn’t right months earlier in June of 2002 when Larry started forgetting things, such as driving directions and where he would put stuff.
“Never in my wildest dreams was I prepared for how horribly things were about to change in my life,” Beverly Ingersoll wrote in her book “4 Months Of God’s Mercy,” which detailed her and Larry’s last four months together.
Ingersoll became increasingly worried about her husband’s health in Sept. 2002 when his memory loss became so great that he could not remember the address of the company he was supposed to be delivering to for his company. According to Ingersoll, this was a major red flag because her husband was an expert at reading maps and finding addresses. She finally convinced him to see their doctor.
“I never told Larry what to do or demanded things from him, but I felt he desperately needed to see our doctor,” Ingersoll wrote. When he again refused, I was near tears and said that I was extremely concerned and needed him to see the doctor for my own peace of mind.”
She said Larry didn’t react much when doctors told him he had three brain tumors as well as tumors in his lungs. His brain was so swollen that doctors told him if they didn’t get the swelling down right away that he would die in the next 24 hours.
Ingersoll said she rushed Larry to the hospital where their children and families met them. Larry was admitted and started on medicine to reduce the swelling in his brain. While he was resting, Ingersoll had finally received a chance to comprehend how quickly her life had changed now that her husband was fighting for his life.
“My initial reaction, of course, was shock at the news as I knew something was wrong. I just didn't have any idea it would be cancer since he was not in any pain and didn't act like he was sick,” Ingersoll said. “After that had time to sink in, I totally relied on the Lord, since this was too big for me to handle or even comprehend the entire scope of what was happening.”
Two days later, Sept. 19, 2002, Larry was scheduled for brain surgery to remove as much of the tumors as possible. Ingersoll remembers the night before his brain surgery as a particularly miraculous one. She laid there holding Larry as he drifted off to sleep. She said she prayed to God to be merciful and that her husband wouldn’t suffer.
Before long angels were circling the room, at first just a few but then the room filled with them and a sense of peace and weightlessness. Ingersoll said it was at that moment that she knew both Larry and she would be all right.
She said they spent the next four months cherishing every minute they had together. Larry refused further treatment and took everything in good humor.
“Larry and I were able to find peace with his death. We were able to spend the last four months of his life feeling good about our lives, our love, our family and all the blessings we had over the many years together,” Ingersoll said. “We didn't get angry or frustrated or spend time dwelling on the whys and what-ifs. It was a time for us to say our goodbyes and for him to get things finalized so he could go without any unfinished business.”
Ingersoll said those last four months were filled with beauty, love and thanksgiving. Both she and her husband were able to enjoy one another because “The Lord gave them peace of mind.”
But nothing comes without sacrifice.
Ingersoll said there were many nights where she would cry herself to sleep, but she knew God would give her the strength she needed. And he did just that.
“The hardest part of watching my husband and my best friend of 35 years die is that I couldn't do anything to change it. I couldn't stop what's happening to them or to my whole family,” Ingersoll said. “It's an extremely helpless feeling, but at the same time when you allow God to be in control, you know that His will, will be done and that is always better than anything you can do. I knew that Larry was going to heaven. What better than that can ever happen to a person?”
Ingersoll, her children, their spouses and even neighbors helped make Larry as comfortable and happy as they could for as long as possible. Everyone enjoyed spending time with him and made sure he enjoyed every last minute and he did, according to Ingersoll, except for a horrible airport situation in Las Vegas during a trip in October.
When Ingersoll, Larry and their children were leaving Las Vegas, an airport security guard didn’t believe that Larry had a steel plate in his head even with a letter from his doctor explaining so. After relentless persistence on the part of Beverly and the rest of the family, an exhausted Larry was finally allowed through security.
“Here was a wannabe cop harassing a true soldier and a hero, and we could do nothing about it. Only when Larry was nearly passing out did the security guard finally allow him to pass through,” Ingersoll wrote. “He never did read the letter; he just handed it back to Larry. We were all in tears by the time Larry was allowed to leave the area.”
According to Ingersoll, as Larry’s cancer progressed he made sure to spend as much time with his grandchildren as possible. He would go to their birthday parties and school activities. One last trip to the pumpkin patch was also in order. He would get tired, but it was a good tired, Ingersoll said.
The doctors would soon take Larry’s driver’s license away from him as a safety precaution. This, said Ingersoll, next to losing his hair, may have been one of the hardest parts for Larry. He had purchased a brand new truck four months before his license was taken away and would never be able to drive again, said Ingersoll. However, Larry did drive to his favorite mocha stand while Beverly was at work. Luckily, a neighbor would jump in the truck with him so nothing dangerous could happen.
“I took the keys off the hook and put them away, which made me feel like some kind of monster. Larry pleaded with me; he begged and wept for the longest time,” Ingersoll said. “Taking away a small piece of his manhood nearly destroyed him and almost broke my heart to see him like that.”
Shortly after, Ingersoll took a family medical leave work to spend the rest of Larry’s days beside him. It was the week of Thanksgiving 2002. According to Ingersoll, the next nine weeks were filled with both joyous and not-so-joyous occasions. However, Larry left the world full of peace and love, said Ingersoll. Larry died the morning of Jan. 25, 2003, the day after their 35th wedding anniversary.
“What I miss most about Larry was the way he told me how much he loved me each and every day for 35 years,” Ingersoll said. “There was never any doubt about his love for me and his family.”
“4 Months Of Gods Mercy” was released on Feb 12 at more than 25,000 locations. It is also available online at www.tatepublishing.com.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Beautiful Boy
A child’s laughter
A sweet kiss on the forehead.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
These are the things that make him happy.
My Beautiful Boy.
The stresses and the demands
Of trying to be normal. Of trying to be perfect.
They're just not for him.
He's my Beautiful Boy.
The simple things in life. The small things.
These are what he's all about.
The great escape. The sweet escape.
This is what he needs.
My Beautiful Boy.
The never-ending stream of demands.
The impossible expectations
That reach higher than the cotton candy clouds.
They're just not for him.
He's my Beautiful Boy.
All he wants is the kindness and the pride
The love of his parents.
But what he gets instead is the disappointment
The misunderstanding. The hatred.
My Beautiful Boy
They look into those deep blue eyes.
Oh so blue, they're the window to his soul.
Except they can’t see through that window.
Because they can’t understand him.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.
What they don't know. What they can't see.
Is that they're crushing him.
Breaking his heart.
Crushing his dreams.
He's hurt and he's broken.
My Beautiful Boy.
Be kind. Be gentle.
Let him be. Let him free.
These are the things that matter most.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.
Give him the mountains or the beach.
Keep your tall buildings and bumper to bumper traffic.
He can hear the roar in the silence.
Can we hear the silence in the roar?
My Beautiful Boy.
He's grown now
But the innocence of childhood still lives within him.
The boyish looks are gone.
But the twinkle in his eye will remain forever.
He may appear a man on the outside.
But don't let that fool you.
The adventurous nature of a young boy
Still roars inside him. Along with the silence.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.
A sweet kiss on the forehead.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
These are the things that make him happy.
My Beautiful Boy.
The stresses and the demands
Of trying to be normal. Of trying to be perfect.
They're just not for him.
He's my Beautiful Boy.
The simple things in life. The small things.
These are what he's all about.
The great escape. The sweet escape.
This is what he needs.
My Beautiful Boy.
The never-ending stream of demands.
The impossible expectations
That reach higher than the cotton candy clouds.
They're just not for him.
He's my Beautiful Boy.
All he wants is the kindness and the pride
The love of his parents.
But what he gets instead is the disappointment
The misunderstanding. The hatred.
My Beautiful Boy
They look into those deep blue eyes.
Oh so blue, they're the window to his soul.
Except they can’t see through that window.
Because they can’t understand him.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.
What they don't know. What they can't see.
Is that they're crushing him.
Breaking his heart.
Crushing his dreams.
He's hurt and he's broken.
My Beautiful Boy.
Be kind. Be gentle.
Let him be. Let him free.
These are the things that matter most.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.
Give him the mountains or the beach.
Keep your tall buildings and bumper to bumper traffic.
He can hear the roar in the silence.
Can we hear the silence in the roar?
My Beautiful Boy.
He's grown now
But the innocence of childhood still lives within him.
The boyish looks are gone.
But the twinkle in his eye will remain forever.
He may appear a man on the outside.
But don't let that fool you.
The adventurous nature of a young boy
Still roars inside him. Along with the silence.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
A Million Miles An Hour
The day is winding down and the rest of the family is watching The Bucket List and as much as I'd love to watch it with them I promised Ian we'd watch it together in the fall. So, I sit here behind the flourescent glare of my computer screen wondering.
Wondering what? O lots of things, I guess it's more like daydreaming. I haven't been been this content, this happy with life in a loooong time. Whether that's because of the long, harsh winter we've had or because of deeper, darker issues I haven't yet decided. I just know that I'm happy. Really, honest to God, truly happy. I'm sure the boyfriend has something to do with that, but in any case. I'm happy.
Speaking of Ian, I miss him. Really miss him. He's only two hours away, but even that short distance sucks. Whenever I dream, it's about a life we may or may not ever have together. It's about the future, the present, and the past. It's about how I can see myself growing old with him. God, I love this boy. Its only been a short time, but I love him, and I just hope he feels the same way.
School starts in eight weeks, it's still quite far away, but I can't stop thing about the classes I'll be taking and the responsibilities I'll have. I mean, I'll actually be held accountable for more than just my grades, which I seem to get lucky with semester after semester. But, I'm excited. Being an editor will give me so much more experience that will help me in the long run.
Okay, so I'm npt really sure where I'm going with all of this. I just know that I'm happy, even though my mind is still running a million miles an hour.
Have a good night!
Wondering what? O lots of things, I guess it's more like daydreaming. I haven't been been this content, this happy with life in a loooong time. Whether that's because of the long, harsh winter we've had or because of deeper, darker issues I haven't yet decided. I just know that I'm happy. Really, honest to God, truly happy. I'm sure the boyfriend has something to do with that, but in any case. I'm happy.
Speaking of Ian, I miss him. Really miss him. He's only two hours away, but even that short distance sucks. Whenever I dream, it's about a life we may or may not ever have together. It's about the future, the present, and the past. It's about how I can see myself growing old with him. God, I love this boy. Its only been a short time, but I love him, and I just hope he feels the same way.
School starts in eight weeks, it's still quite far away, but I can't stop thing about the classes I'll be taking and the responsibilities I'll have. I mean, I'll actually be held accountable for more than just my grades, which I seem to get lucky with semester after semester. But, I'm excited. Being an editor will give me so much more experience that will help me in the long run.
Okay, so I'm npt really sure where I'm going with all of this. I just know that I'm happy, even though my mind is still running a million miles an hour.
Have a good night!
100 Things, New and Improved
At the request of some friends I've decided to finally get of my lazy butt and update this thing. You know, since its been a good 7 or 8 months. I blame the fact that I'm a college kid, yeah, thats it. And also, I actually have a life now.
But anyway, I was looking through old blog posts, specifically the 100 things post and decided to do a new one because I've changed quite a bit. So, here goes nothing.
But anyway, I was looking through old blog posts, specifically the 100 things post and decided to do a new one because I've changed quite a bit. So, here goes nothing.
- My name is Ashley
- But I'm rarely called that because everybody seems to have a different nickname for me
- My family and friends mean the world to me
- I think I've found my prince charming
- I wear my heart on my sleeve
- I'm a girl of many addictions and obsessions
- Scrabble, Tea, Myspace, Pepsi, Photography
- Writing is so many things to me
- A passion, stress reliever, an escape, a way for people to better understand me
- The Sentinel, under the instruction of Nils Rosdahl is the most kickass student paper. It's been proven.
- It's going to be a great day.
- I have no idea where I want to transfer to
- I want to live in NYC
- I'm a budding photographer, but I would lovvvveee photoshop
- I could do without watching movies or television again...ever
- Music and books are a thousand times better
- I love the sunshine, it makes me happy
- I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder
- Java on Sherman still makes the best coffee
- My cats are spoiled...very spoiled
- I listen to music 24/7, especially when alone
- I hate being alone
- I think too much, seriously
- I'm emotional and probably overly sensitive sometimes
- But I'm also hardheaded and determined
- I love books, they do many of the same things writing does for me
- I find people, and their stories, intriguing.
- I've grown up a lot this year, but still have a long way to go
- I makes mistakes, and I try to learn from them
- I miss being able to play The Sims 2
- I love my pajamas...and playing dress up
- I don't understand how people can be so ignorant and judgemental
- I flew on a plane for the very first time in March and absolutely loved it
- I will travel the world, and then come home and write my memoirs
- I've experienced more pain than most, but its made me stronger
- I will make history
- I believe in Karma, and I'm not sure what else
- Change scares me
- People love to hate
- All we need is love
- Love. Peace. Happyness.
- I love children, and their innocence
- I haven't experienced half of the stuff most teens have, and I'm okay with that
- Hollywood is overrated
- I'm itching for my independence
- I really can't stand the silence
- My hair needs dyed again
- I dye my hair too much
- I have anxiety, and probably depression issues
- I am learning to deal with it and beginning the slow process of healing
- I love texting
- I'm shy until you get to know me, and then I don't shut up
- I'm trying to be more outgoing from the get go
- I trust to easily, it more often than not gets me hurt
- Seeing other people happy makes me happy
- Money will destroy us, maybe before guns
- Obama 08'
- I'm excited for the future, but I try to live in the moment
- Dane Cook is a silly bitch
- Three wardrobe essentials for every woman: shoes, purses, jackets
- I'm most definitely a morning person
- I love naps
- My friends have opened my eyes and my heart
- I'm a first geneation college student
- College is wayyy better than high school could ever be
- I love Autumn, and everything that comes with it
- The snow and I have issues with each other
- I am becoming my own person
- We lose so much history every day and it makes me sad
- My life is organized chaos
- One person can make a difference
- But more people can make a bigger difference
- I wish I was artistic, my bother got the creativity genes
- I wish that I could understand him
- I can't stay mad long, even if I want to
- I make friends easily
- I really, really can't do math
- Everything happens for a reason
- Everyday is a new beginning
- I procrastinate with the best of them
- I'm the new Arts and Entertainment editor for The Sentinel
- Myspace is way better than Facebook
- I love names
- I hate drama, but miss theatre
- I'm a dreamer, and hopeless romantic
- I believe in the paranormal
- It goes deeper than ghosts and spirits
- I'm a pessismistic optimist
- The problem with life is that there is no background music
- I love the heat
- I'm not allergic to anything, but I wish I was allergic to needles
- I want a big family
- And to grow old with the love of my life
- I wish people would understand better
- The Beatles are way better than The Stones culd ever be
- I do way better expressing my feelings on paper than in person
- I know some incredible people
- Music affects my mood wayyy more than it probably should
- I need a new computer
- Coffee sounds amazing right about now
Bleeding Love
***This poem was written a month ago. It's a bit more morbid than the last. I'll update this more tomorrow. I promise.***
That sweet sweet voice
As smooth as silk.
And those blue eyes
Bluer and deeper than the ocean
You could get lost in those eyes.
God, how I love this boy.
The swollen eyes
The black and blue bruises
The pushing, the yelling
The shoving, the screaming
They're all misunderstood, they really are
Because he loves me, he really does.
He says so. He promises me a better life.
I hope so. I pray so.
His broken promises. My broken bones.
They tell our story.
I'm bleeding. Bleeding his love.
I'm getting cold.
The bullet. It's lodged in my heart.
He cries. I cry.
He holds me. I cling to him.
We cry.
Say our final goodbyes.
The blood on his hands.
The bullet in my heart.
They tell our story.
And this is how it ends, our story.
With me, bleeding his love.
That sweet sweet voice
As smooth as silk.
And those blue eyes
Bluer and deeper than the ocean
You could get lost in those eyes.
God, how I love this boy.
The swollen eyes
The black and blue bruises
The pushing, the yelling
The shoving, the screaming
They're all misunderstood, they really are
Because he loves me, he really does.
He says so. He promises me a better life.
I hope so. I pray so.
His broken promises. My broken bones.
They tell our story.
I'm bleeding. Bleeding his love.
I'm getting cold.
The bullet. It's lodged in my heart.
He cries. I cry.
He holds me. I cling to him.
We cry.
Say our final goodbyes.
The blood on his hands.
The bullet in my heart.
They tell our story.
And this is how it ends, our story.
With me, bleeding his love.
California Sounds Amazing
***The following was originally wrote in late January or early February of 2007***
There's this boy
Who can make me smile
Without even knowing it
A companion to spend
The cold, windy night with
Whispering our dreams
Of a better life
A life filled with sunshine
And smiles
Of music and dancing
A sweet note to say hello
A promise that we will escape
Escape this life for a better one
California sounds Amazing!
There's this boy
Who can make me smile
Without even knowing it
A companion to spend
The cold, windy night with
Whispering our dreams
Of a better life
A life filled with sunshine
And smiles
Of music and dancing
A sweet note to say hello
A promise that we will escape
Escape this life for a better one
California sounds Amazing!
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