4 Months Of God's Mercy

It was Sept. 17, 2002, and Beverly Ingersoll, office manager at NIC’s Riverbend Professional Technical Academy, was living her worst nightmare. Her husband and best friend of 35 years, Larry Seaton, had just been diagnosed with lung cancer that had already spread in a dangerous manner to his brain.

Ingersoll said she noticed something wasn’t right months earlier in June of 2002 when Larry started forgetting things, such as driving directions and where he would put stuff.

“Never in my wildest dreams was I prepared for how horribly things were about to change in my life,” Beverly Ingersoll wrote in her book “4 Months Of God’s Mercy,” which detailed her and Larry’s last four months together.

Ingersoll became increasingly worried about her husband’s health in Sept. 2002 when his memory loss became so great that he could not remember the address of the company he was supposed to be delivering to for his company. According to Ingersoll, this was a major red flag because her husband was an expert at reading maps and finding addresses. She finally convinced him to see their doctor.

“I never told Larry what to do or demanded things from him, but I felt he desperately needed to see our doctor,” Ingersoll wrote. When he again refused, I was near tears and said that I was extremely concerned and needed him to see the doctor for my own peace of mind.”

She said Larry didn’t react much when doctors told him he had three brain tumors as well as tumors in his lungs. His brain was so swollen that doctors told him if they didn’t get the swelling down right away that he would die in the next 24 hours.

Ingersoll said she rushed Larry to the hospital where their children and families met them. Larry was admitted and started on medicine to reduce the swelling in his brain. While he was resting, Ingersoll had finally received a chance to comprehend how quickly her life had changed now that her husband was fighting for his life.

“My initial reaction, of course, was shock at the news as I knew something was wrong. I just didn't have any idea it would be cancer since he was not in any pain and didn't act like he was sick,” Ingersoll said. “After that had time to sink in, I totally relied on the Lord, since this was too big for me to handle or even comprehend the entire scope of what was happening.”

Two days later, Sept. 19, 2002, Larry was scheduled for brain surgery to remove as much of the tumors as possible. Ingersoll remembers the night before his brain surgery as a particularly miraculous one. She laid there holding Larry as he drifted off to sleep. She said she prayed to God to be merciful and that her husband wouldn’t suffer.

Before long angels were circling the room, at first just a few but then the room filled with them and a sense of peace and weightlessness. Ingersoll said it was at that moment that she knew both Larry and she would be all right.

She said they spent the next four months cherishing every minute they had together. Larry refused further treatment and took everything in good humor.

“Larry and I were able to find peace with his death. We were able to spend the last four months of his life feeling good about our lives, our love, our family and all the blessings we had over the many years together,” Ingersoll said. “We didn't get angry or frustrated or spend time dwelling on the whys and what-ifs. It was a time for us to say our goodbyes and for him to get things finalized so he could go without any unfinished business.”

Ingersoll said those last four months were filled with beauty, love and thanksgiving. Both she and her husband were able to enjoy one another because “The Lord gave them peace of mind.”
But nothing comes without sacrifice.

Ingersoll said there were many nights where she would cry herself to sleep, but she knew God would give her the strength she needed. And he did just that.

“The hardest part of watching my husband and my best friend of 35 years die is that I couldn't do anything to change it. I couldn't stop what's happening to them or to my whole family,” Ingersoll said. “It's an extremely helpless feeling, but at the same time when you allow God to be in control, you know that His will, will be done and that is always better than anything you can do. I knew that Larry was going to heaven. What better than that can ever happen to a person?”

Ingersoll, her children, their spouses and even neighbors helped make Larry as comfortable and happy as they could for as long as possible. Everyone enjoyed spending time with him and made sure he enjoyed every last minute and he did, according to Ingersoll, except for a horrible airport situation in Las Vegas during a trip in October.

When Ingersoll, Larry and their children were leaving Las Vegas, an airport security guard didn’t believe that Larry had a steel plate in his head even with a letter from his doctor explaining so. After relentless persistence on the part of Beverly and the rest of the family, an exhausted Larry was finally allowed through security.

“Here was a wannabe cop harassing a true soldier and a hero, and we could do nothing about it. Only when Larry was nearly passing out did the security guard finally allow him to pass through,” Ingersoll wrote. “He never did read the letter; he just handed it back to Larry. We were all in tears by the time Larry was allowed to leave the area.”

According to Ingersoll, as Larry’s cancer progressed he made sure to spend as much time with his grandchildren as possible. He would go to their birthday parties and school activities. One last trip to the pumpkin patch was also in order. He would get tired, but it was a good tired, Ingersoll said.

The doctors would soon take Larry’s driver’s license away from him as a safety precaution. This, said Ingersoll, next to losing his hair, may have been one of the hardest parts for Larry. He had purchased a brand new truck four months before his license was taken away and would never be able to drive again, said Ingersoll. However, Larry did drive to his favorite mocha stand while Beverly was at work. Luckily, a neighbor would jump in the truck with him so nothing dangerous could happen.

“I took the keys off the hook and put them away, which made me feel like some kind of monster. Larry pleaded with me; he begged and wept for the longest time,” Ingersoll said. “Taking away a small piece of his manhood nearly destroyed him and almost broke my heart to see him like that.”

Shortly after, Ingersoll took a family medical leave work to spend the rest of Larry’s days beside him. It was the week of Thanksgiving 2002. According to Ingersoll, the next nine weeks were filled with both joyous and not-so-joyous occasions. However, Larry left the world full of peace and love, said Ingersoll. Larry died the morning of Jan. 25, 2003, the day after their 35th wedding anniversary.

“What I miss most about Larry was the way he told me how much he loved me each and every day for 35 years,” Ingersoll said. “There was never any doubt about his love for me and his family.”

“4 Months Of Gods Mercy” was released on Feb 12 at more than 25,000 locations. It is also available online at www.tatepublishing.com.

Beautiful Boy

A child’s laughter
A sweet kiss on the forehead.
An unexpected phone call from an old friend.
These are the things that make him happy.
My Beautiful Boy.

The stresses and the demands
Of trying to be normal. Of trying to be perfect.
They're just not for him.
He's my Beautiful Boy.

The simple things in life. The small things.
These are what he's all about.
The great escape. The sweet escape.
This is what he needs.
My Beautiful Boy.

The never-ending stream of demands.
The impossible expectations
That reach higher than the cotton candy clouds.
They're just not for him.
He's my Beautiful Boy.

All he wants is the kindness and the pride
The love of his parents.
But what he gets instead is the disappointment
The misunderstanding. The hatred.
My Beautiful Boy

They look into those deep blue eyes.
Oh so blue, they're the window to his soul.
Except they can’t see through that window.
Because they can’t understand him.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.

What they don't know. What they can't see.
Is that they're crushing him.
Breaking his heart.
Crushing his dreams.
He's hurt and he's broken.
My Beautiful Boy.

Be kind. Be gentle.
Let him be. Let him free.
These are the things that matter most.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.

Give him the mountains or the beach.
Keep your tall buildings and bumper to bumper traffic.
He can hear the roar in the silence.
Can we hear the silence in the roar?
My Beautiful Boy.

He's grown now
But the innocence of childhood still lives within him.
The boyish looks are gone.
But the twinkle in his eye will remain forever.
He may appear a man on the outside.
But don't let that fool you.
The adventurous nature of a young boy
Still roars inside him. Along with the silence.
He’s my Beautiful Boy.

Burgandy Blowout

I dyed my hair again today.

I probably dye it too much.

But I can't help it.

It's an obsession.

Please, ignore the cold sore.

Without further ado.

Before:

After:

A Million Miles An Hour

The day is winding down and the rest of the family is watching The Bucket List and as much as I'd love to watch it with them I promised Ian we'd watch it together in the fall. So, I sit here behind the flourescent glare of my computer screen wondering.

Wondering what? O lots of things, I guess it's more like daydreaming. I haven't been been this content, this happy with life in a loooong time. Whether that's because of the long, harsh winter we've had or because of deeper, darker issues I haven't yet decided. I just know that I'm happy. Really, honest to God, truly happy. I'm sure the boyfriend has something to do with that, but in any case. I'm happy.

Speaking of Ian, I miss him. Really miss him. He's only two hours away, but even that short distance sucks. Whenever I dream, it's about a life we may or may not ever have together. It's about the future, the present, and the past. It's about how I can see myself growing old with him. God, I love this boy. Its only been a short time, but I love him, and I just hope he feels the same way.

School starts in eight weeks, it's still quite far away, but I can't stop thing about the classes I'll be taking and the responsibilities I'll have. I mean, I'll actually be held accountable for more than just my grades, which I seem to get lucky with semester after semester. But, I'm excited. Being an editor will give me so much more experience that will help me in the long run.

Okay, so I'm npt really sure where I'm going with all of this. I just know that I'm happy, even though my mind is still running a million miles an hour.

Have a good night!

100 Things, New and Improved

At the request of some friends I've decided to finally get of my lazy butt and update this thing. You know, since its been a good 7 or 8 months. I blame the fact that I'm a college kid, yeah, thats it. And also, I actually have a life now.

But anyway, I was looking through old blog posts, specifically the 100 things post and decided to do a new one because I've changed quite a bit. So, here goes nothing.

1. My name is Ashley
2. But I'm rarely called that because everybody seems to have a different nickname for me
3. My family and friends mean the world to me
4. I think I've found my prince charming
5. I wear my heart on my sleeve
6. I'm a girl of many addictions and obsessions
7. Scrabble, Tea, Myspace, Pepsi, Photography
8. Writing is so many things to me
9. A passion, stress reliever, an escape, a way for people to better understand me
10. The Sentinel, under the instruction of Nils Rosdahl is the most kickass student paper. It's been proven.
11. It's going to be a great day.
12. I have no idea where I want to transfer to
13. I want to live in NYC
14. I'm a budding photographer, but I would lovvvveee photoshop
15. I could do without watching movies or television again...ever
16. Music and books are a thousand times better
17. I love the sunshine, it makes me happy
18. I think I have Seasonal Affective Disorder
19. Java on Sherman still makes the best coffee
20. My cats are spoiled...very spoiled
21. I listen to music 24/7, especially when alone
22. I hate being alone
23. I think too much, seriously
24. I'm emotional and probably overly sensitive sometimes
25. But I'm also hardheaded and determined
26. I love books, they do many of the same things writing does for me
27. I find people, and their stories, intriguing.
28. I've grown up a lot this year, but still have a long way to go
29. I makes mistakes, and I try to learn from them
30. I miss being able to play The Sims 2
31. I love my pajamas...and playing dress up
32. I don't understand how people can be so ignorant and judgemental
33. I flew on a plane for the very first time in March and absolutely loved it
34. I will travel the world, and then come home and write my memoirs
35. I've experienced more pain than most, but its made me stronger
36. I will make history
37. I believe in Karma, and I'm not sure what else
38. Change scares me
39. People love to hate
40. All we need is love
41. Love. Peace. Happyness.
42. I love children, and their innocence
43. I haven't experienced half of the stuff most teens have, and I'm okay with that
44. Hollywood is overrated
45. I'm itching for my independence
46. I really can't stand the silence
47. My hair needs dyed again
48. I dye my hair too much
49. I have anxiety, and probably depression issues
50. I am learning to deal with it and beginning the slow process of healing
51. I love texting
52. I'm shy until you get to know me, and then I don't shut up
53. I'm trying to be more outgoing from the get go
54. I trust to easily, it more often than not gets me hurt
55. Seeing other people happy makes me happy
56. Money will destroy us, maybe before guns
57. Obama 08'
58. I'm excited for the future, but I try to live in the moment
59. Dane Cook is a silly bitch
60. Three wardrobe essentials for every woman: shoes, purses, jackets
61. I'm most definitely a morning person
62. I love naps
63. My friends have opened my eyes and my heart
64. I'm a first geneation college student
65. College is wayyy better than high school could ever be
66. I love Autumn, and everything that comes with it
67. The snow and I have issues with each other
68. I am becoming my own person
69. We lose so much history every day and it makes me sad
70. My life is organized chaos
71. One person can make a difference
72. But more people can make a bigger difference
73. I wish I was artistic, my bother got the creativity genes
74. I wish that I could understand him
75. I can't stay mad long, even if I want to
76. I make friends easily
77. I really, really can't do math
78. Everything happens for a reason
79. Everyday is a new beginning
80. I procrastinate with the best of them
81. I'm the new Arts and Entertainment editor for The Sentinel
82. Myspace is way better than Facebook
83. I love names
84. I hate drama, but miss theatre
85. I'm a dreamer, and hopeless romantic
86. I believe in the paranormal
87. It goes deeper than ghosts and spirits
88. I'm a pessismistic optimist
89. The problem with life is that there is no background music
90. I love the heat
91. I'm not allergic to anything, but I wish I was allergic to needles
92. I want a big family
93. And to grow old with the love of my life
94. I wish people would understand better
95. The Beatles are way better than The Stones culd ever be
96. I do way better expressing my feelings on paper than in person
97. I know some incredible people
98. Music affects my mood wayyy more than it probably should
99. I need a new computer
100. Coffee sounds amazing right about now

Bleeding Love

***This poem was written a month ago. It's a bit more morbid than the last. I'll update this more tomorrow. I promise.***

That sweet sweet voice
As smooth as silk.
And those blue eyes
Bluer and deeper than the ocean
You could get lost in those eyes.
God, how I love this boy.

The swollen eyes
The black and blue bruises
The pushing, the yelling
The shoving, the screaming
They're all misunderstood, they really are
Because he loves me, he really does.
He says so. He promises me a better life.
I hope so. I pray so.

His broken promises. My broken bones.
They tell our story.

I'm bleeding. Bleeding his love.
I'm getting cold.
The bullet. It's lodged in my heart.
He cries. I cry.
He holds me. I cling to him.
We cry.
Say our final goodbyes.

The blood on his hands.
The bullet in my heart.
They tell our story.
And this is how it ends, our story.
With me, bleeding his love.

California Sounds Amazing

***The following was originally wrote in late January or early February of 2007***

There's this boy
Who can make me smile
Without even knowing it

A companion to spend
The cold, windy night with
Whispering our dreams
Of a better life

A life filled with sunshine
And smiles
Of music and dancing

A sweet note to say hello
A promise that we will escape
Escape this life for a better one

California sounds Amazing!