Heaven Forbid

I've been trying to write this for a long time. Each time I get a couple of sentences in I erase everything and pretend that nothings wrong. That I don't have a million and one things eating away at me.

I failed my Spanish class. I'm 99 percent sure I failed my Critical Issues in the Media class. Never before in my student career has such a thing happened, math courses are the one exception. I'll take responsibility for failing them because it is my fault and to say otherwise would make me a coward. I need to get my act together and now. If I can't make it in college how in the hell am I going to survive the real world? I don't want to be one of those 40-somethings living with her parents because she can't take care of herself or function on a normal level within society.

My twenty-second birthday is coming up and at first I was excited about the prospect of spending it with friends and family but now it's just making me realize that I'm in the same place this year that I have been for the past several years. Sure, I live on my own but in the big picture of life that doesn't mean so much. I don't smoke, do drugs and rarely drink. We won't even begin to discuss my lack of a romantic life. Everybody I know is either married or has kids. I don't want either right away but I'm sick of being alone. I'm afraid that it'll be that way forever though and it kills me.

Twenty years, it's breaking you down
now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams

Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright

Everyday I wake up and pretend that I'm okay. That life is wonderful and I'm happy. Sometimes I am happy. Life's a beautiful thing. Lately, I just feel overwhelmed. I d much better when I have stuff that needs to get done and people that are depending on me and now that school's out for summer and Argonaut is almost at a stand still I have no responsibility. Just time to think.

And I think to much.

No, really. I do. How do you turn off your mind? Can you teach me, please? Maybe then I wouldn't think about why my body hates me so much and if I'll ever get to be off of these antibiotics. I'm not good at remembering to take them and they make the rest of me feel like hell anyway.

Maybe I could run away and reinvent myself and a new life somewhere far away from here. Maybe then I wouldn't think so much.

Heaven forbid, I end up alone.