I've been trying to write this for a long time. Each time I get a couple of sentences in I erase everything and pretend that nothings wrong. That I don't have a million and one things eating away at me.
I failed my Spanish class. I'm 99 percent sure I failed my Critical Issues in the Media class. Never before in my student career has such a thing happened, math courses are the one exception. I'll take responsibility for failing them because it is my fault and to say otherwise would make me a coward. I need to get my act together and now. If I can't make it in college how in the hell am I going to survive the real world? I don't want to be one of those 40-somethings living with her parents because she can't take care of herself or function on a normal level within society.
My twenty-second birthday is coming up and at first I was excited about the prospect of spending it with friends and family but now it's just making me realize that I'm in the same place this year that I have been for the past several years. Sure, I live on my own but in the big picture of life that doesn't mean so much. I don't smoke, do drugs and rarely drink. We won't even begin to discuss my lack of a romantic life. Everybody I know is either married or has kids. I don't want either right away but I'm sick of being alone. I'm afraid that it'll be that way forever though and it kills me.
Twenty years, it's breaking you down
now that you understand there's no one around
Take a breath, just take a seat
you're falling apart and tearing at the seams
Heaven forbid you end up alone, you don't know why
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright
Everyday I wake up and pretend that I'm okay. That life is wonderful and I'm happy. Sometimes I am happy. Life's a beautiful thing. Lately, I just feel overwhelmed. I d much better when I have stuff that needs to get done and people that are depending on me and now that school's out for summer and Argonaut is almost at a stand still I have no responsibility. Just time to think.
And I think to much.
No, really. I do. How do you turn off your mind? Can you teach me, please? Maybe then I wouldn't think about why my body hates me so much and if I'll ever get to be off of these antibiotics. I'm not good at remembering to take them and they make the rest of me feel like hell anyway.
Maybe I could run away and reinvent myself and a new life somewhere far away from here. Maybe then I wouldn't think so much.
Heaven forbid, I end up alone.
Showing posts with label Freedom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Freedom. Show all posts
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Midnight (Revision)
She’s curled up in bed with pint-sized
preschool princesses and their pageants
on the television. Wednesday’s don’t hold
much excitement for the new kid in town.
The music coming from her phone tells her
to hold out hope. The night’s not over yet.
‘Be awake in an hour.’ Four little words
turn her into a maniac. The dishes are done
and the laundry put away in record time. She slides
out of pajamas and into casual chic clothing.
Headlights flicker into the window. As quick as
the lights appear, they’re gone again. John, Paul, George
and Ringo tell her to open the door. The smell of Taco
Bell on his skin and the moonlight in his eyes greet her.
Making small talk as if that’s the way they’ve always done things
tells her that he’s found his very own princess, a queen really,
who dances to the beat of the same restless dream and that being the new
kid in town makes stuffing newspapers into envelopes on a sweltering
Thursday afternoon makes her feel useful. Making small talk like they do
a sad attempt at filling an appetite that should no longer be there.
‘I should go now’ breaks her every time. He stays a few minutes longer
anyway. The warmth that between their skin and the soft whispers
into ears remind them of the past. With a kiss on the forehead and arms
lingering around her waist a touch too long, he walks out the door.
Folding newspapers and stuffing envelopes keeps her mind busy until
the phone rings. His name on the caller ID takes her back but she answers
anyway. She probably always will. Making small talk won’t change anything.
Is she okay? He already knows she’s not but he still asks. They say goodbye
and go on with their lives. Him, with the girl of his dreams and the ability to
let the past be and her left to pick up the pieces. Until next time.
preschool princesses and their pageants
on the television. Wednesday’s don’t hold
much excitement for the new kid in town.
The music coming from her phone tells her
to hold out hope. The night’s not over yet.
‘Be awake in an hour.’ Four little words
turn her into a maniac. The dishes are done
and the laundry put away in record time. She slides
out of pajamas and into casual chic clothing.
Headlights flicker into the window. As quick as
the lights appear, they’re gone again. John, Paul, George
and Ringo tell her to open the door. The smell of Taco
Bell on his skin and the moonlight in his eyes greet her.
Making small talk as if that’s the way they’ve always done things
tells her that he’s found his very own princess, a queen really,
who dances to the beat of the same restless dream and that being the new
kid in town makes stuffing newspapers into envelopes on a sweltering
Thursday afternoon makes her feel useful. Making small talk like they do
a sad attempt at filling an appetite that should no longer be there.
‘I should go now’ breaks her every time. He stays a few minutes longer
anyway. The warmth that between their skin and the soft whispers
into ears remind them of the past. With a kiss on the forehead and arms
lingering around her waist a touch too long, he walks out the door.
Folding newspapers and stuffing envelopes keeps her mind busy until
the phone rings. His name on the caller ID takes her back but she answers
anyway. She probably always will. Making small talk won’t change anything.
Is she okay? He already knows she’s not but he still asks. They say goodbye
and go on with their lives. Him, with the girl of his dreams and the ability to
let the past be and her left to pick up the pieces. Until next time.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Time Of My Life
This year, more than any other year, has taught me more about life and about death, about friends and about enemies, about successes and failures, the strength of family and about becoming my own person than I ever thought there was to know, especially in the course of twelve glorious, yet tumultuous months. Anybody who knows me, really knows me, knows that 2009 has challenged me again and again, it's tested my faith and showed me that I can do whatever I want to and that anybody who doesn't believe doesn't matter.
Death has been a big part of my life this year. Why do I bring it up first? Because it reared it's ugly head almost as soon as we welcomed in 2009 and has chosen not to leave. I guess that's a part of life, whether I want it to be or not. There's something about losing someone you love that forces you to take a step back and slow down. You learn to appreciate the simpler things in life and not worry about tomorrow, except as a wanna-be journalist the latter is in my blood. I'm learning to say what needs to be said because life is to precious to not live like we're dying.
Everybody has something that they've been avoiding saying to another person for whatever reason, but don't hold back anymore. You'll feel better once you take that step and have that conversation. It could—it will—change your life.
I don't say this often enough but I have an amazing family; an amazing family who's had one hell of a year but you know what? We're (most of us) coming out of it better, stronger people. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right? I think that too often in life people (everybody) gets caught up in themselves and what they want. It's human nature. But, I've learned that when times get rough my family knows how to pull together, cross boundaries that shouldn't be there and take care of each other, even if one party fights it tooth and nail. I think it's in the job description. As much as I want to kill a few select members most of the time they're family and family never backs down.
I've had to break out of my shell a lot this year; more than I thought I would. There's been days where I would rather take some Benadryl and curl up and bed to sleep this life away than face whatever demon needed to be faced but overall moving to Moscow has been good for me. I've had to meet new people and learn new things whether I wanted to or not.
And I've met and reconnected with some crazy brilliant people who've changed my life in ways that I didn't think possible. They've taught me that a bad day isn't the end of the world. Others have taught me that change isn't easy, it's not supposed to be but that next semester will be better in every way. And still others remind me that I can't do everything but that I can do some things great and to never give up. Finally, one person especially has reminded me that relationships change over time and that even when hurts sometimes but that true friends never leave.
2009 has been one hell of a year, with plenty of challenges and more recently plenty of laughter. I don't know what 2010 has in store for myself or anybody else but I do know this: I plan on having the time of my life.
And no, I didn't make any resolutions because I don't set myself up for failure.
Death has been a big part of my life this year. Why do I bring it up first? Because it reared it's ugly head almost as soon as we welcomed in 2009 and has chosen not to leave. I guess that's a part of life, whether I want it to be or not. There's something about losing someone you love that forces you to take a step back and slow down. You learn to appreciate the simpler things in life and not worry about tomorrow, except as a wanna-be journalist the latter is in my blood. I'm learning to say what needs to be said because life is to precious to not live like we're dying.
Everybody has something that they've been avoiding saying to another person for whatever reason, but don't hold back anymore. You'll feel better once you take that step and have that conversation. It could—it will—change your life.
I don't say this often enough but I have an amazing family; an amazing family who's had one hell of a year but you know what? We're (most of us) coming out of it better, stronger people. What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger, right? I think that too often in life people (everybody) gets caught up in themselves and what they want. It's human nature. But, I've learned that when times get rough my family knows how to pull together, cross boundaries that shouldn't be there and take care of each other, even if one party fights it tooth and nail. I think it's in the job description. As much as I want to kill a few select members most of the time they're family and family never backs down.
I've had to break out of my shell a lot this year; more than I thought I would. There's been days where I would rather take some Benadryl and curl up and bed to sleep this life away than face whatever demon needed to be faced but overall moving to Moscow has been good for me. I've had to meet new people and learn new things whether I wanted to or not.
And I've met and reconnected with some crazy brilliant people who've changed my life in ways that I didn't think possible. They've taught me that a bad day isn't the end of the world. Others have taught me that change isn't easy, it's not supposed to be but that next semester will be better in every way. And still others remind me that I can't do everything but that I can do some things great and to never give up. Finally, one person especially has reminded me that relationships change over time and that even when hurts sometimes but that true friends never leave.
2009 has been one hell of a year, with plenty of challenges and more recently plenty of laughter. I don't know what 2010 has in store for myself or anybody else but I do know this: I plan on having the time of my life.
And no, I didn't make any resolutions because I don't set myself up for failure.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Two Weeks
Two weeks.
Two weeks until I'll be able to sleep a full 8 hours, much less 4, each night without feeling guilty or anxious about getting everything that needs done finished.
Two weeks until I'll be able to sit and finish a good book and warm drink without having to constantly check the time to make sure that I get where I need to be on time.
Two weeks until I have no more deadlines and no more interviews for three whole weeks.
Two more weeks until I no longer have to fight the snow, ice, wind and bitter cold everyday.
Two more weeks until I'm without the two people I trust most in this world for three weeks.
Two more weeks until I realize that while I desperately need a break I'm going to be mighty lonely for the next three weeks without my amazing friends.
What do your next two weeks look like?
Two weeks until I'll be able to sleep a full 8 hours, much less 4, each night without feeling guilty or anxious about getting everything that needs done finished.
Two weeks until I'll be able to sit and finish a good book and warm drink without having to constantly check the time to make sure that I get where I need to be on time.
Two weeks until I have no more deadlines and no more interviews for three whole weeks.
Two more weeks until I no longer have to fight the snow, ice, wind and bitter cold everyday.
Two more weeks until I'm without the two people I trust most in this world for three weeks.
Two more weeks until I realize that while I desperately need a break I'm going to be mighty lonely for the next three weeks without my amazing friends.
What do your next two weeks look like?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Blessed I Be
Thanksgiving was great. It was just my mom and dad, Josh, Paul, Shawn and I so it started out and ended up as a very relaxing day. My mom prepares a feast like nobody else. Nobody could move by the end of the night but we couldn't get enough of the amazing food. The menu this year was pretty much the same as it is every year, but tradition is part of Thanksgiving isn't it? The menu consisted of: turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, sweet potatoes, stuffing, fruit salad, green beans, rolls, green and black olives, pickles, pumpkin pie and apple pie. There were also a vegetable tray, cheese and cracker tray, pretzels and chips and dip. It's not as extravagant as some Thanksgiving dinners are but it doesn't need to be.
Thanksgiving isn't all about the feasting, or at least it shouldn't be. I know that I have so much to be thankful for not only on Thanksgiving but on every singe day because I truly am blessed.
Living and going to school away from my family has made me appreciate them so much more. I've always loved them and known how lucky I am to have them but this year has shown me that they can and will be taken away from me when I least expect it and while it's not always fair it's life and since when is life fair? Having this week to visit and be home and take a break to see my family and kittehs has done me so much good.
My friends, my dear friends, I don't know what I would do without you. You never fail to make me laugh until I cry, show me just how good I really do have it and remind me that whatever has me down does not mean that the end of the world is approaching but rather that better days are to come. I'm lucky enough that I get to see a few of you more often than not (Kels especially) and those that I don't I was able to see on Monday. Except for certain people who exceptionally good at hiding (Waltrip, Cole). It's true, you never do forget who your real friends are.
An education is something that so many people go there whole lives without because they can't afford or aren't allowed to go to school. It's not been easy by any means, but I've learned more in and out of the classroom this semester than I think I've ever learned. I've learned from those that I expected to but those that have taught me the most blindsided me. And that, is something to be truly thankful for. Learn something new everyday. Be curious. Ask questions. It can never hurt.
As odd as it may sound, I am grateful for music. It tells a story like I've never been quite able to do. Seriously, take a minute and imagine living life without any music whatsoever. It would be boring and without near as many smiles and laughter. I can't live without music and I hope that nobody else is able to either.
I think that we all take good health for granted until we no longer have it. In March and April of this year I was shown just how quickly good health can be taken away from someone and how not having your health can either take your life away or change it forever. Please, take care of yourself both in the physical and mental respect. I plan to start doing the same and I've found that the best remedies are good doses of sunshine and laughter and those cost absolutely nothing. Drink up.
I could go on and on but instead I'll stop. Just know that you mean the world to me.
Thanksgiving isn't all about the feasting, or at least it shouldn't be. I know that I have so much to be thankful for not only on Thanksgiving but on every singe day because I truly am blessed.
Living and going to school away from my family has made me appreciate them so much more. I've always loved them and known how lucky I am to have them but this year has shown me that they can and will be taken away from me when I least expect it and while it's not always fair it's life and since when is life fair? Having this week to visit and be home and take a break to see my family and kittehs has done me so much good.
My friends, my dear friends, I don't know what I would do without you. You never fail to make me laugh until I cry, show me just how good I really do have it and remind me that whatever has me down does not mean that the end of the world is approaching but rather that better days are to come. I'm lucky enough that I get to see a few of you more often than not (Kels especially) and those that I don't I was able to see on Monday. Except for certain people who exceptionally good at hiding (Waltrip, Cole). It's true, you never do forget who your real friends are.
An education is something that so many people go there whole lives without because they can't afford or aren't allowed to go to school. It's not been easy by any means, but I've learned more in and out of the classroom this semester than I think I've ever learned. I've learned from those that I expected to but those that have taught me the most blindsided me. And that, is something to be truly thankful for. Learn something new everyday. Be curious. Ask questions. It can never hurt.
As odd as it may sound, I am grateful for music. It tells a story like I've never been quite able to do. Seriously, take a minute and imagine living life without any music whatsoever. It would be boring and without near as many smiles and laughter. I can't live without music and I hope that nobody else is able to either.
I think that we all take good health for granted until we no longer have it. In March and April of this year I was shown just how quickly good health can be taken away from someone and how not having your health can either take your life away or change it forever. Please, take care of yourself both in the physical and mental respect. I plan to start doing the same and I've found that the best remedies are good doses of sunshine and laughter and those cost absolutely nothing. Drink up.
I could go on and on but instead I'll stop. Just know that you mean the world to me.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Call Me Irresponsible
I've got so much to tell, but I'm not sure how to organize my thoughts so that anybody else can understand them so I'll go day by day because that will probably be easier to comprehend, maybe. It's been one hell of a week and this week is going to be busy and crazy as well.
Sunday--My mommy came down for a couple of hours and so we hung out here and ordered pasta from Pizza Hut which is quite good, by the way. She tries to come down every couple of weeks and it's nice especially because I refuse to come home until Thanksgiving break starts and then Christmas break. That's a whole other story though. The staff meeting was uneventful. Marcus was back after taking a week to cool off and in an exceptionally good mood. I took two stories and maybe should've only taken one but I'll pull it off. I always do.
Monday--Monday's are always intense because they're so jam-packed. The Red Bull Run was back in full swing seeing a how the topic of conversation quickly came around to sex and nudity. Oops. Geography was boring, but it always is to me. When it came time for English things got interesting. We were all sitting in class waiting for our teacher to arrive and at three minutes after class was supposed to start James checks his email and then bursts out laughing because just then the teacher had sent an email saying that class was cancelled for the day. We laughed it off and moved on. I then went and had coffee with Kelsey before my lab. Micah and Elizabeth eventually showed up before I had to leave. Production was interesting and entertaining as always.
Tuesday--I left the house early because when I grabbed my Mac from Kelsey the night before I forgot to grab the cord and so I needed to get it from her desk. Then I went to class and more class and more class. And then a quick walk back to the SUB with Jake to catch the bus home. There were lots of riders that night so it was fun. Home just meant that I had laundry and homework but home is still good.
Wednesday--I was exhausted for some reason and had tons to do. I missed my geography class because I had an interview for the Veteran's Day story which went very well. I then missed my English class because I needed to cover the actual event but it was okay because I turned my assignment into him early. The Veteran's Day lunch was totally worth missing class for too. Jake got some awesome pictures and both the story and pictures ended up on the front page of the Arg. I then went back to the newsroom to ask Marcus if he would extend my deadline from three to five, and he did. I still hated asking, though. I went home and wrote the story. Just in time too, because then Ian showed up. We'll save that conversation for another day, however. Let's just say that I needed a good, strong drink or some sleep afterward. Neither of which I received.
Thursday--Abu gave us study guides for tests on Tuesday in both of his classes but they're big ones. We met for Dinah's class to discuss where are news stories are and what we'll be doing the rest of the semester. Between Ethics and Dinah's class I went to sign my payroll but could only sign my one for whatever writing I've done because the production ones weren't ready yet and Shawn wasn't in his office. After Dinah's class I went back to the SUB again to sign my production payroll before Global Media. After class Jake walked with me to production which was entertaining as always.
Friday--I had both my Geography and English classes. My English class is definitely getting more entertaining each day. After classes I went and sat at he cafe inside the SUB with a book and a chai. Ryan showed up and we sat their with our coffees and book (me) and computer (him). Ian and Emily came by and that threw me completely off. I came home expecting a night of peace but then Mandi showed up (uggh) and so we hung out.
Today--I slept way longer than I needed to and then went to the KUOI sale, which I was thoroughly unimpressed with. I ran into both Mark and Ryan there. On the way home I stopped and got a chai and now I'm here...procrastinating.
When's Thanksgiving break again?
Sunday--My mommy came down for a couple of hours and so we hung out here and ordered pasta from Pizza Hut which is quite good, by the way. She tries to come down every couple of weeks and it's nice especially because I refuse to come home until Thanksgiving break starts and then Christmas break. That's a whole other story though. The staff meeting was uneventful. Marcus was back after taking a week to cool off and in an exceptionally good mood. I took two stories and maybe should've only taken one but I'll pull it off. I always do.
Monday--Monday's are always intense because they're so jam-packed. The Red Bull Run was back in full swing seeing a how the topic of conversation quickly came around to sex and nudity. Oops. Geography was boring, but it always is to me. When it came time for English things got interesting. We were all sitting in class waiting for our teacher to arrive and at three minutes after class was supposed to start James checks his email and then bursts out laughing because just then the teacher had sent an email saying that class was cancelled for the day. We laughed it off and moved on. I then went and had coffee with Kelsey before my lab. Micah and Elizabeth eventually showed up before I had to leave. Production was interesting and entertaining as always.
Tuesday--I left the house early because when I grabbed my Mac from Kelsey the night before I forgot to grab the cord and so I needed to get it from her desk. Then I went to class and more class and more class. And then a quick walk back to the SUB with Jake to catch the bus home. There were lots of riders that night so it was fun. Home just meant that I had laundry and homework but home is still good.
Wednesday--I was exhausted for some reason and had tons to do. I missed my geography class because I had an interview for the Veteran's Day story which went very well. I then missed my English class because I needed to cover the actual event but it was okay because I turned my assignment into him early. The Veteran's Day lunch was totally worth missing class for too. Jake got some awesome pictures and both the story and pictures ended up on the front page of the Arg. I then went back to the newsroom to ask Marcus if he would extend my deadline from three to five, and he did. I still hated asking, though. I went home and wrote the story. Just in time too, because then Ian showed up. We'll save that conversation for another day, however. Let's just say that I needed a good, strong drink or some sleep afterward. Neither of which I received.
Thursday--Abu gave us study guides for tests on Tuesday in both of his classes but they're big ones. We met for Dinah's class to discuss where are news stories are and what we'll be doing the rest of the semester. Between Ethics and Dinah's class I went to sign my payroll but could only sign my one for whatever writing I've done because the production ones weren't ready yet and Shawn wasn't in his office. After Dinah's class I went back to the SUB again to sign my production payroll before Global Media. After class Jake walked with me to production which was entertaining as always.
Friday--I had both my Geography and English classes. My English class is definitely getting more entertaining each day. After classes I went and sat at he cafe inside the SUB with a book and a chai. Ryan showed up and we sat their with our coffees and book (me) and computer (him). Ian and Emily came by and that threw me completely off. I came home expecting a night of peace but then Mandi showed up (uggh) and so we hung out.
Today--I slept way longer than I needed to and then went to the KUOI sale, which I was thoroughly unimpressed with. I ran into both Mark and Ryan there. On the way home I stopped and got a chai and now I'm here...procrastinating.
When's Thanksgiving break again?
Friday, November 6, 2009
Any Other Friday
Today I...
--played tour guide to a family while riding a bus on a very hilly campus. It was very impromptu.
--enjoyed a few moments of peace with a good book and a warm chai. The book was "Beloved" by Toni Morrison and the chai was of the vanilla sort.
--saw a friend and his fiance without them seeing me. I then proceeded to play chicken and wheeled in the opposite direction rather quickly. It's not them, it's me.
--met a neighbor while playing the aforementioned role of impromptu tour guide. She's quite nice.
--reconnected with an old classmate. We hadn't seen each other in about 10 years or so. It was fun playing catch up and talking about where we had been, where we are and where we want to go.
--was invited to a pizza party but politely declined.
--embraced the sunshine and the wind both.
--was reminded for the millionth time that I'm gullible and there's a reason I trust the people I do.
--lived through the most boring English class ever. That's a lot coming from me.
--rediscovered Bob Marley.
--need short story ideas.
--am thankful for a peaceful soul. Please don't take that away from me.
--played tour guide to a family while riding a bus on a very hilly campus. It was very impromptu.
--enjoyed a few moments of peace with a good book and a warm chai. The book was "Beloved" by Toni Morrison and the chai was of the vanilla sort.
--saw a friend and his fiance without them seeing me. I then proceeded to play chicken and wheeled in the opposite direction rather quickly. It's not them, it's me.
--met a neighbor while playing the aforementioned role of impromptu tour guide. She's quite nice.
--reconnected with an old classmate. We hadn't seen each other in about 10 years or so. It was fun playing catch up and talking about where we had been, where we are and where we want to go.
--was invited to a pizza party but politely declined.
--embraced the sunshine and the wind both.
--was reminded for the millionth time that I'm gullible and there's a reason I trust the people I do.
--lived through the most boring English class ever. That's a lot coming from me.
--rediscovered Bob Marley.
--need short story ideas.
--am thankful for a peaceful soul. Please don't take that away from me.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A Long December
Why do song lyrics always say it best?
I'm overwhelmed. I have tons to do and neither the desire or energy to do any of it. I miss my friends. I think I'm losing the two people in the world who mean the most to me; the two people who I trust with everything. My skin hurts. I used to have beautiful, soft skin but alas.
Somedays getting out of bed almost isn't worth it. I long for people, but the people here have their own lives, concerns, worries and they should. It's just that...I guess I've been spoiled in the people department until now. I've become somewhat of an introvert and thats just not me. I miss having people around who understood, or tried. Moscow's not all bad, don't get me wrong. If I've learned one thing since I've been here though it's that there's no place like home.
The Argonaut has been one hell of an experience; one that I know will be worth it in the end. You see, I've never been of the competitive type. I've never had to be, until now. It'll be good, though. Toughen me up, right? I've always said that the best thing about journalism is the people, and to this day it's true. But what if they don't think I'm a good enough writer or a stunning page designer? What happens then?
Maybe, I just need sunshine, or a good belly laugh, or a good long hug.
Why does he always come to my mind? Just stop it already, please. He's not making it any easier.
As for me, I think it's time to try and get some sleep because there will always be tomorrow.
I'm overwhelmed. I have tons to do and neither the desire or energy to do any of it. I miss my friends. I think I'm losing the two people in the world who mean the most to me; the two people who I trust with everything. My skin hurts. I used to have beautiful, soft skin but alas.
Somedays getting out of bed almost isn't worth it. I long for people, but the people here have their own lives, concerns, worries and they should. It's just that...I guess I've been spoiled in the people department until now. I've become somewhat of an introvert and thats just not me. I miss having people around who understood, or tried. Moscow's not all bad, don't get me wrong. If I've learned one thing since I've been here though it's that there's no place like home.
The Argonaut has been one hell of an experience; one that I know will be worth it in the end. You see, I've never been of the competitive type. I've never had to be, until now. It'll be good, though. Toughen me up, right? I've always said that the best thing about journalism is the people, and to this day it's true. But what if they don't think I'm a good enough writer or a stunning page designer? What happens then?
Maybe, I just need sunshine, or a good belly laugh, or a good long hug.
Why does he always come to my mind? Just stop it already, please. He's not making it any easier.
As for me, I think it's time to try and get some sleep because there will always be tomorrow.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Rise Above This
A lot has happened lately. So much so that sometimes it's really hard for me to stay calm, collected and cool. In fact, I haven't felt that way in a very long time. I miss it, but I'm not sure how to fix everything anymore. A very dear friend recently said "You've got a million thoughts and emotions running through your head right now. So let them out." And I've finally admitted that this is what's got to happen. Except for this time I'm going to write, because it doesn't come out so good as speech.
--I hate bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. It's not fair and I don't like it anymore, but I don't know how to fix it either.
--I have the most amazing friends ever. They know that someting is wrong just by looking at me most of the time. They've played therapist wayyy more than they should have to lately and I feel really bad about that. I don't want to burden them with my craziness because I know that some people have it way worse than I do and it's not fair to them when my problems start taking a toll on them. I should be more grateful, and deep down I am.
--I miss my best friends. I didn't realize how lucky I was until they moved away (Kels, Jess, Kat, Shelly) and reality started to sink in. Sometimes I feel a bit left behind because normal people know how to move on with their lives (literally and figuratively) and be happy. And I...I'm still here.
--I wish I didn't become so attached to certain people and things because it's not fair to them and really not healthy.
--I want to be happy again. Really happy.
--School is really kicking my ass this semester. I mean I love learning and I love the social aspect, but sometimes things just get to be too much. I'm there and I think I've probably been there for a while now. Math is just plain difficult for me and I'm afraid that I'll have to drop the class if I didn't do well on this last test. I really don't want to do that. History and Psych are good :) My Environmental Science class is very interesting. The teacher is great and the lab is fun, but very challenging. I'm very thankful for my English class because it lets me be creative in my writing, yet it forces me to write.
--And then there's The Sentinel. First off, let me say that this paper is my daily dose of humor and sarcasm. I don't think I could live without it. I really don't Nils is a crazy old man, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been very blessed to meet some great (egotistical and crazy) people that have changed my life, even when they move far away.
I'm sure there's more, but for now this will have to suffice, because I will rise above this. I will be okay.
If you've made it this far thank you so much! :)
--I hate bursting into tears at the drop of a hat. It's not fair and I don't like it anymore, but I don't know how to fix it either.
--I have the most amazing friends ever. They know that someting is wrong just by looking at me most of the time. They've played therapist wayyy more than they should have to lately and I feel really bad about that. I don't want to burden them with my craziness because I know that some people have it way worse than I do and it's not fair to them when my problems start taking a toll on them. I should be more grateful, and deep down I am.
--I miss my best friends. I didn't realize how lucky I was until they moved away (Kels, Jess, Kat, Shelly) and reality started to sink in. Sometimes I feel a bit left behind because normal people know how to move on with their lives (literally and figuratively) and be happy. And I...I'm still here.
--I wish I didn't become so attached to certain people and things because it's not fair to them and really not healthy.
--I want to be happy again. Really happy.
--School is really kicking my ass this semester. I mean I love learning and I love the social aspect, but sometimes things just get to be too much. I'm there and I think I've probably been there for a while now. Math is just plain difficult for me and I'm afraid that I'll have to drop the class if I didn't do well on this last test. I really don't want to do that. History and Psych are good :) My Environmental Science class is very interesting. The teacher is great and the lab is fun, but very challenging. I'm very thankful for my English class because it lets me be creative in my writing, yet it forces me to write.
--And then there's The Sentinel. First off, let me say that this paper is my daily dose of humor and sarcasm. I don't think I could live without it. I really don't Nils is a crazy old man, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I've been very blessed to meet some great (egotistical and crazy) people that have changed my life, even when they move far away.
I'm sure there's more, but for now this will have to suffice, because I will rise above this. I will be okay.
If you've made it this far thank you so much! :)
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Bloody Hell
So much has happened this past week that I have to write it down because it's beginning to take its toll on me and on others that it shouldn't be. A fair warning though, this isn't going to be pretty. I have a lot of stress, frustration, and anger that's going to come out. So, if you don't want to hear about it, leave now.
First off, why is it that I become so attached to certain people and certain things? I know that nothing lasts forever, yet I can't seem to stop letting my feelings and those god damned emotions get the best of me. I've known for a while now that it wasn't meant to be, yet I still catch him in my dreams ad in my heart. I say that I'll be happy when and if he is, but damn it, it's just not happening that way. I've got to let go if i'm going to be happy again, but I don't thik i'm ready for that, as crazy as it sounds.
On to other things, I love school and my friends but this week was too much. I spent almost $500 on textbooks and I still don't have one that I need and one that my brother needs. I think its a bit ridiculous, to be honest. Do textbooks really need to cost that much?
I spent all week working Bookswap and while it has its benefits I miss my friends. I miss my crazy, wild friends who let me vent, cry, scream and cry some more in the middle of the night and don't say a word. They just listen. They don't judge. Those who listen. Those who make me laugh when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep for a week. They've helped me through one of the hardest weeks of my life and they know who the are. The rest of you don't need to worry about it.
Basically, I've been a big ball of emotions all week and it really needs to stop. I don't like crying at the drop of a hat anymore. I need to be happy. I want to be happy. What I've said here is just touching the surface. There's a lot going on that goes much deeper, but I just needed to put some of this down in writing because I don't think I can handle holding it much longer.
First off, why is it that I become so attached to certain people and certain things? I know that nothing lasts forever, yet I can't seem to stop letting my feelings and those god damned emotions get the best of me. I've known for a while now that it wasn't meant to be, yet I still catch him in my dreams ad in my heart. I say that I'll be happy when and if he is, but damn it, it's just not happening that way. I've got to let go if i'm going to be happy again, but I don't thik i'm ready for that, as crazy as it sounds.
On to other things, I love school and my friends but this week was too much. I spent almost $500 on textbooks and I still don't have one that I need and one that my brother needs. I think its a bit ridiculous, to be honest. Do textbooks really need to cost that much?
I spent all week working Bookswap and while it has its benefits I miss my friends. I miss my crazy, wild friends who let me vent, cry, scream and cry some more in the middle of the night and don't say a word. They just listen. They don't judge. Those who listen. Those who make me laugh when all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep for a week. They've helped me through one of the hardest weeks of my life and they know who the are. The rest of you don't need to worry about it.
Basically, I've been a big ball of emotions all week and it really needs to stop. I don't like crying at the drop of a hat anymore. I need to be happy. I want to be happy. What I've said here is just touching the surface. There's a lot going on that goes much deeper, but I just needed to put some of this down in writing because I don't think I can handle holding it much longer.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Because
Because I have nothing to say but lots of thoughts.
Because I am a veryyy tired girl.
Because I can't decide if I need to laugh or cry.
Because I miss my friends, and the boy.
Because I'm in a funk, a cloud if you will, that I can't seem to break away from.
Because I need to run away for a little while.
Because I know thats not going to happen.
Because I love you.
***I'll be back in a day or two***
Because I am a veryyy tired girl.
Because I can't decide if I need to laugh or cry.
Because I miss my friends, and the boy.
Because I'm in a funk, a cloud if you will, that I can't seem to break away from.
Because I need to run away for a little while.
Because I know thats not going to happen.
Because I love you.
***I'll be back in a day or two***
Friday, July 4, 2008
Thoughts On Independence
Today is the day where we as Americans are supposed to celebrate our hard fought freedom and independence. That's what we do, after all. Fight. That's what we are. A nation of fighters. We don't give up on what we believe is right or what we believe belongs to us. It's always been that way though.
In the very beginning we fought to be independent of Great Britain. To become our own country. Later we fought against the Spanish conquistadors for land that we each claimed as our own. And then there were the World Wars where our safety and our position as a great world power were at stake like never before. Vietnam was the first controversial war that the United States fought in. War was being waged on two different fronts; in the lush green jungles of Cambodia and on the riot filled streets of the places we all call home. That brings us current.
Today we are still fighting. Fighting for what is right. Fighting because that's what we do. Fighting, because it needs to be done.
It seems that many people would rather not fight anymore. They instead bash the Bush and all he's done. If only they knew that Clinton could have had Bin Laden captured but chose not too. If only they cared.
How are we supposed to protect ourselves if we don't fight? We wouldn't be able to, much less know how. The troops, heroes they are, know this and have given up their freedoms so that don't have too. We should thank them, but instead we burn our flag. We should pray for them, but instead we curse them. Thousands of young men and women are still dying today so that we can remain the selfish fools we are.
Sometime today, in between barbeques and fireworks we should all take a moment to reflect on why we're celebrating. Because without those selfless young men and women who gave their lives and still continue to do so, we would have no reason to celebrate.
Happy Independence Day!
In the very beginning we fought to be independent of Great Britain. To become our own country. Later we fought against the Spanish conquistadors for land that we each claimed as our own. And then there were the World Wars where our safety and our position as a great world power were at stake like never before. Vietnam was the first controversial war that the United States fought in. War was being waged on two different fronts; in the lush green jungles of Cambodia and on the riot filled streets of the places we all call home. That brings us current.
Today we are still fighting. Fighting for what is right. Fighting because that's what we do. Fighting, because it needs to be done.
It seems that many people would rather not fight anymore. They instead bash the Bush and all he's done. If only they knew that Clinton could have had Bin Laden captured but chose not too. If only they cared.
How are we supposed to protect ourselves if we don't fight? We wouldn't be able to, much less know how. The troops, heroes they are, know this and have given up their freedoms so that don't have too. We should thank them, but instead we burn our flag. We should pray for them, but instead we curse them. Thousands of young men and women are still dying today so that we can remain the selfish fools we are.
Sometime today, in between barbeques and fireworks we should all take a moment to reflect on why we're celebrating. Because without those selfless young men and women who gave their lives and still continue to do so, we would have no reason to celebrate.
Happy Independence Day!
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